Thursday, July 8, 2010

A bit more please...

So I know this is my picture of the day also. As I started describing it, I realized there is so much more that I want to write about it. It brings out a flood of different emotions every time I see it. It wasn't until this past Monday that I was actually able to bring myself to take it off my camera and look at it for the first time. I knew it was there the whole time, I just couldn't bring myself to look at it. And I still hadn't realized the emotions it would bring other than the sadness.

I had asked Willy to pick up some peanut M&M's on his back to the hospital. My dad had made it down and sat with me so Willy could take a shower and pick up some things from home. You see, this was taken on Sunday. I had been in the hospital for 24 hours and had 11 weeks and 5 days to go. He took a couple of hours and I was beginning to wonder where he had gone. When he showed up, I begged him for my M&M's. I was having a serious craving and needed them bad!

He pulled out all three containers, each containing a different type. He knew how my cravings changed like the weather in Missouri . And he knew it was going to be a long stay. And he knew it would make me laugh and smile every time I looked at all three containers filled with M&M's. He's an amazing man.

I also look at the other side of this photograph. I am smiling and laughing. I knew I was going to be in this bed for almost 12 more weeks. And I was at peace with it. I was in pain and worried, but we had made it past 24 hours and things were looking good.

This all comes rushing back to me and I think how it all disappeared so quickly. I think about how in 24 hours I would hurt so much and in 48 hours my world would be turned upside down. I think about how ready I was to be in bed for all that time so my babies would be here strong and healthy. I was ready to miss everything, the summer, camping, and my Colton and Ethan. Willy was going to have to be Super Mom and Super Dad along with trying to work.

We were going to do it, we were ready to do, we wish we could have done it.

I am not the same person as I was in this picture. And this makes me sad. I wish I could be as carefree as I was. I wish I still couldn't imagine what it was like to lose a baby. And I wish I was still expecting two more boys. I wish I was getting ready to chase four boys around my house. I wish the egg would have split a little sooner.

So here is the reason behind this picture for today. I have smiled a lot, but I have also cried a lot of tears. The ones that fall on their own and dry up on their own. Days like today are the ones I feel the most comfortable living. They are the ones when I can feel both emotions that I need to. Happiness for my family that is here with me and sorrow for the two boys that watch over me.

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