I find myself moving backwards over the past week. I had been doing really well up until let's say Monday morning. Even before I found out about Amy's baby. I had been having 3 or 4 good days before having a really hard one. And my hard days weren't too hard, just the type of days when the tears fell freely and the pain was a little closer.
But now it feels like I have to pump myself every morning to just smile. I'm not full out depressed, I'm just really sad again. Like I was the week after we lost Lucas and Caleb. I need major doses of caffeine to come alive and not be close to tears all day. And it really kind of sucks. I don't like feeling like this at all.
I know tons of things happened this past week that could have added to this, but I honestly believe that it is the calendar that is working against me. I realized on Friday that I should have been 31 weeks pregnant. 31 weeks. That is 5 weeks until they would most likely be here. It's been creeping up and now it's like a bull rushing at me. Maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought. Or maybe this is the way all mom's who lost their babies before full-term feel at this point.
I honestly think that I am going to give myself until Wednesday to be feeling better. I might have to call my doctor for some help just to get me past my due date. Because I really feel like I am no longer making progress in my healing, but moving backwards.