Sunday, July 18, 2010

Moving Backwards

I find myself moving backwards over the past week. I had been doing really well up until let's say Monday morning. Even before I found out about Amy's baby. I had been having 3 or 4 good days before having a really hard one. And my hard days weren't too hard, just the type of days when the tears fell freely and the pain was a little closer.

But now it feels like I have to pump myself every morning to just smile. I'm not full out depressed, I'm just really sad again. Like I was the week after we lost Lucas and Caleb. I need major doses of caffeine to come alive and not be close to tears all day. And it really kind of sucks. I don't like feeling like this at all.

I know tons of things happened this past week that could have added to this, but I honestly believe that it is the calendar that is working against me. I realized on Friday that I should have been 31 weeks pregnant. 31 weeks. That is 5 weeks until they would most likely be here. It's been creeping up and now it's like a bull rushing at me. Maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought. Or maybe this is the way all mom's who lost their babies before full-term feel at this point.

I honestly think that I am going to give myself until Wednesday to be feeling better. I might have to call my doctor for some help just to get me past my due date. Because I really feel like I am no longer making progress in my healing, but moving backwards.


  1. I had a week exactly like the one you are describing about a month ago, which for me, would have been right around 31-32 weeks, and was also about 6 weeks after our loss. And after a week of it, my cousin made me go have a girls day. She made me go do something just for me. So, we went and got pedicures, and we just talked and talked about Bailey. And on my way home, I treated myself to a sno-cone. And after we did bad week actually finally had a good day.

    I too think the calendar works against us...especially those like us who are going through the "I should have been ___ weeks this week"...or "Today is my baby's due date". I wonder what happens though after all those dates have passed? I guess we will soon find out.

    I hope you have some better days soon. If I were close, I would take you to do what my cousin did with me (or something else if that's not your kind of thing), because it really did help. Take it one step at a time, and know that I am thinking about you.

  2. Danae,
    Thank you so much for helping me validate how I'm doing. I definitely should have a girl's day out. Might get working on that.

    Have I ever mentioned how much I truly hate all this? But I am every so grateful to have found friends like you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  3. I'm so sorry. I know you know, I know how you feel:-) My two week slump hit 8 weeks after having the girls. At the time I felt like I was moving backwards too, I was so mad to be so sad and pissed off all the time. I 'thought' I was doing better than that. However, I moved thru it and I was okay...even though i will probably get there again. I would be 36 weeks this coming week... just like you, I was really hoping to make it to that point.

    Having come out of the other side of a slump, I no longer look at it as moving backwards. I was still moving! Unfortunately, you have to move thru these periods but life is still on the other side. Colton and Ethan, Willy.... they are still right by your side. So are Caleb and Lucas. You are strong, stronger than you will ever think you are.

    I'll call you tomorrow... Our In Between day:-) I love you and am thinking of you all the time.

  4. Hi,
    I know this feeling to well. It will get better... the calendar is something I still have to deal with everyday. I had IVF so know I am looking at this is the day we did ivf. This is the day of implantation..this is the first ultraosound day.. rough I m here if u ever need to talk. I miss my twins Amelia and Alexander everyday but my heart is better.
    Thinking of u... Hugs, Lizy from Chicago


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