Monday, July 26, 2010

Trying again

I've been noticing a big difference in my desire to try again for another baby. It's a good difference, more like a shift, really. For the first several weeks all I could think about was getting pregnant and soon. Now it's an idea that comes and goes freely, but isn't taking over my thoughts like it used to. I think it's really interesting how I've kind of moved through different phases of this. I feel certain it's part of my grieving process. I thought I would write about it some since it really does and will play a big part in my life.

Within an hour of delivering Caleb and Lucas, Dr. M came in to tell me that the c-section went well. She also informed me that we were in lucky in that she was able to do a horizontal incision instead of the vertical, which is typical at 24 week gestation. She then explained that this was important for future pregnancies. I was instantly horrified! How could she mention future pregnancies when I had just delivered a stillborn baby and my other son was seriously battling for his life? I couldn't imagine having anymore babies right now.

About a week after Lucas and Caleb were born I started getting that itch. The one that I needed, no I HAD to be pregnant like right now! I just had to. It was really weird. My good friend, Rhonda called it that empty need to be pregnant. I felt it and wanted it. I felt some guilt, it wasn't that I was trying to replace the two I had lost, I just missed being pregnant. I just knew that being pregnant again would make me feel better.

When I asked my doctor at my 4 week post-op visit, I was hoping she would tell me 3 months. The answer I got from her was 6 months. SIX MONTHS!!!! I actually started crying. There was no way I could wait that long! Then she explained to me that getting pregnant any earlier would drastically increase my chance of miscarriage and even stillbirth. And I very quickly accepted it. I am willing to wait that 6+ months so that I never have to go through this kind of pain again. Even though it isn't guaranteed, at least I can give my self better chances for a successful pregnancy.

Over the last week I've noticed a sudden change in how I have been feeling in regards to being pregnant. I no longer have that empty need, I have full blown baby fever. I want another baby. When I hear a baby cry I think how I miss it, I want it to be my baby. I want to play the role of a mommy to a newborn, infant, toddler, all the stages. I want to do it all again. And I find so much peace in all this. The change is comforting. I no longer feel rushed. I still feel cheated. I know I always will. And I know having another baby won't take all the pain away. But I remember that when we conceived the twins it was because we were wanting a third child. Losing Lucas and Caleb didn't take away that desire. It makes me more anxious about it all, but I still feel like our family isn't complete.


  1. I have baby fever too. We were asking when we could try again while I was lying in the hospital waiting for the contractions to start. I've had fleeting feelings of guilt, but I just tell myself that we are replacing Jacob and the next baby (or babies) will always know they had an older brother.

    I didn't have a c-section so we are trying again. I am scared to get up my hopes up that I'll be pregnant took 3 months to conceive Jacob. I know I'll be disappointment if I get AF at the beginning of August, but I now try to tell myself that if I don't get pregnant now, maybe my uterus isn't ready yet anyway, maybe this will happen again if I get pregnant too soon.

    Ahhh, the things we can't stop thinking about now.

  2. I had a horizontal c-section also with Bailey, and my OB & RE gave us the go ahead at 6 weeks post-partum...but no meds until 3 months past (which is this week). But, we asked before we were even released from the hospital when we could try again.

    Baby fever has set in for me too...I had it before I was pregnant, and I don't think it ever went dulled for a short amount of time, but now it's back full blown...


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