Wednesday, May 30, 2012

23 Weeks

This weekly post is different.  Lucas and Caleb's birthday (wow, just typing that brings on the tears) is just 2 days away.  It's just different.

I am excited to be at 23 weeks.  Simon is active as ever, it's as if he knows I need to know he is there, alive and spunky.  I feel good physically, and that heat isn't totally wiping me out yet.

But this week is hard.  I've felt strong emotionally up until the past few days.  Grief has crept in ever so slowly.  And today, whew, I'm already exhausted from it.  My heart hurts.  Every little pain, or too long without movement from Simon sends me into panic mode.  I am replaying those days in the hospital over and over again.  Who was there, what we talked about, how I felt.  I remember watching each hour passing, as we neared the next steroid shot and 48 hour mark.  I remember how positive I felt that it was all going to be okay.  I remember not yet being a part of this babyloss community.  (Although I love each and every one of you!)

There's a lot of pain, hurt right now.  And there is alot of fear.  I think that is the main difference between last year and this year.  Last year I grieved all we had lost and all we had been through.  This year I am missing them, but I am also so afraid we are going to lose Simon.  I am sure the time lines being so similar has tons to do with that. 

Last night about 1:30am, I woke up to a sharp pain in my right side.  I rolled over, trying to see if it would go away.  The pain was stabbing, and would only last a few seconds.  But then it would come back a few minutes later.  For some reason, Simon would kick that spot right after the pain hit. (Thank you baby boy for letting me know you were there)  I came downstairs to see if sitting up would help any.  All I could think about was what would they do if something was wrong?  I am not quite 24 weeks, so would they try and keep me pregnant until then?  Or if they had to take Simon, would they try to keep him alive, or apologize and bow their heads?  Then anger crept in.  These thoughts, these fears shouldn't be running through my mind.  I shouldn't know the reality of it all.  And I began to grieve the idea of a blissful pregnancy.

When I woke up this morning, I knew today wasn't going to be easy.  I tried to shake it off and headed downstairs.  I guess Lucas and Caleb knew also, as their light was on.  Normally it makes me smile, but today it brought on the tears. 

With all of this, I am feeling like a not so great momma.  Colton and Ethan are playing upstairs, quietly and together.  And I just don't feel I have it in me to embrace being their momma today.  I am grateful they have each other to play with.  I just feel guilty for not wanting to join in on their fun.

I'm spent.

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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

22 Weeks!!

22 weeks, 2 weeks away from viability.  Also 2 weeks away from the point when my water broke with Lucas and Caleb.

Baby Size:  11 inches, or a package of oreos.  Weighing just over a pound

Weight Gain: We'll go with 10 lbs, though not really sure

How I feel:  Pretty good.  My hips and lower back get sore, along with my tailbone.  The Charley horses have come back, but nothing I haven't dealt with before. 

Symptoms:  Just a little reflux.  I feel great.

Cravings:  Really really loved the fried tomatoes and meatballs last night. Anything with tomatoes right now is pretty high on my list.

Best Part of Week:  Feeling Simon's hiccups on a daily basis

Looking forward to: Heading home for a few days to visit family and Simon's first trip to the zoo. 

I really feel great.  The cough is pretty much gone and my energy is back.  I am excited for summer to start, and to be pregnant during this summer.  Simon has become a very active little boy.  He moves often, and is quite strong.  He seems to love to fun a leg or arm across the bottom of my belly.  He gets the hiccups often, and I LOVE that! He also isn't a fan of loud noises.  Yesterday during Colton's award ceremony, he jumped every time people started clapping.  Made for an active afternoon.

Last weekend was a busy weekend.  We were at a luau on Saturday.  There was a point when Kristan was talking to Baby S.  She was talking to her about Simon.  And every time she said his name, it just made my heart melt.  I truly love this baby boy, and everytime I hear his name, he just seems closer and closer.

Ethan has also began to tell the world about his baby brother.  It is so cute.  He'll walk up to a stranger, pat my belly and say, "My baby brother is in my mommy's tummy.  That's right, we're having another boy.  His name is Simon."  I love that so much!  I love that he is excited.

The end of last week was a little tough for me.  It was Ethan's last day of preschool.  As I was walking out with him, it really reminded me of when I left that church for the last time with Lucas and Caleb.  The same thoughts went through my head, though I tried to stifle them some. I kept thinking how short my time left with them was, and how I had no idea. 

Their birthday is looming close.  I am having some issues with guilt, as my heart doesn't feel as heavy right now as it was this time last year.  I know there are so many factors there, but it is hard.  We're not doing near what we did last year for their birthday, and I know that is normal.  Actually, I am not fully sure what we are doing.  I plan on taking lilies out to the lake again, this time with Colton and Ethan.  And I know we'll make some cupcakes.  I would like to finish their stone and flower garden. 

Along with Lucas and Caleb's birthday is also the 24 week mark of Simon's pregnancy.  It is less than a week later.  I am anxious about this milestone.  I want to just through it, and keep going.  I knew that these two dates, being so close together, could be the ingredients of the perfect storm.  The fact that I'm not having as hard a time as I thought I would scares me a bit.  It makes me wonder if it'll hit all at once, and hard.  Guess we'll find out.

Well, on to some pictures.

22 week belly shot. Looking a little round this week.

A picture in one of my favorite maternity shirts.   And one of the most comfortable pair of shorts I have.  

With every baby, we make them a stuffed animal at build-a-bear.  We started this with Colton.  Each of us in the family kisses a heart to put in the animal.  For Simon, Colton and Ethan added hearts with kisses for Lucas and Caleb.  This little guy has 6 hearts in him.  How's that for love??
We chose a chipmunk for Simon.  When Ethan first learned we had chosen the name Simon, he informed us, "Simon is a chipmunk, not a baby!"  Simon's nickname is chipmunk, given by Ethan.

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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

21 Weeks

21 Weeks!!!!  Skipped 20 weeks, thanks to having a really healthy boy.  I am still feeling a little nervous by how big Mr. Simon is, but know that big is better than small.  Keep growing, little man.

Baby Size: 10 inches (supposed to be, but probably more like 11 or 12)

Weight Gain: 9 lbs!  Whoo hoo!  The walking Colton to and from school is really paying off.  I gained 1 lb between 4 week appointments.

How I feel:  Pregnancy wise, pretty darn good.  The other stuff I'll touch on further down.

Symptoms:  Reflux, but without the heartburn still.  My tailbone is KILLING me by the end of the day.  It was cracked during delivery with Colton.  Love my 9lb 7oz boy who came out face up.

Cravings:  Nothing set.  Varies from day to day, sometimes hour to hour.

Best Part of Last Week: Watching my Simon swim around.  The boy just wriggled everywhere.  I am so grateful we found out he was a boy in the beginning so we could really enjoy the rest of the show.  Love, love my little man!!

Looking forward to: Enjoying all the movement Simon blesses me with.

I know I have been pretty quiet the last week or so here and on facebook.  I caught the horrendous virus the boys had, and it is wiping me out!  I was lucky enough to not have a fever.  But, the cough is a nightmare.  I would rather have a 2 day stomach flu than this cough that is plaguing me.  I have tried everything I could find and think of to tone it down some.  Just yesterday I came across a blog that mentioned rubbing Vicks on my neck.  And it is actually working some.  Thank you!!!  I've been averaging 3-4 hours of sleep a night for the past 5 nights or so.  And I just haven't had the energy to do much of anything, let alone be social. 

The weekend was good.  We hit up some garage sales on Saturday morning.  We found some great deals on lots of baby stuff.  Though it seemed like there were a lot more baby girl stuff out there.    And on Sunday I slept in a bit.  Dru and I went baby shopping (and a little scrapbook shopping).  It was nice to get out a little and be distracted from Mother's Day some.  The boys gave me their gifts when we got home, and then we went out to dinner.  It was a nice day, low-key really.  I know Mother's Day will always sting.

I cannot express how thrilled I am to be having another boy.  And how amazed I am.  There hasn't been any feelings of sadness.  I love this little baby so much.  He is absolutely perfect and healthy.  He is moving around more, and I love that so much.  And Willy finally got to feel him move last night.  The boys are also so very in love with Simon.  Last night they both hugged "him" before heading to bed.  And Ethan, knowing Simon can hear his now, was talking baby talk to him last night. 

All that being said, there are a few moments of grief that pop in there.  The fact that he weighs what Caleb weighed when he was born, and that he has their nose, it makes me wonder what other qualities of theirs he'll have.  Will I seem them when I look in his beautiful eyes?  There will be moments when I wonder if his personality will be similar to what theirs would have been like.   He is definitely more rambunctious like Lucas was. 

As their second birthday approaches, and the 24th week of this pregnancy, I know my heart is going to ache more.  Grief is making a subtle approach right now.  I know this year won't be as hard as last, but it will still hurt.  I miss my two babies, and want so bad for my Simon to continue to grow and be healthy.  I find myself trying not to think about this summer too much.  I dreaded being pregnant in the summer, then lost Lucas and Caleb in June.  I try not to talk about how hot it's going to be.  I try not to think about the boys starting school in the fall and how crazy pregnant I will be.  There are lots of flashbacks when I walk Ethan to his classroom right now.  The halls have puzzle shaped mirrors in them.  I always glance at my belly as I pass them, just as I did with Lucas and Caleb.  And with it being the end of the year, Ethan being in same classroom Colton was then, it just all comes rushing back.  As the school year closes, I feel their pregnancy closing also.  And I just hold on tight and pray for my Simon. 

Changing the subject, let's end with some pictures:

Dru found this and gave it to me for Mother's Day.  I love that she still shows that she thinks of Lucas and Caleb.  Thank you!!

The gifts from Willy, Colton, and Ethan.  Very creative!!

Oops, this is sideways.  One of the many, many things Ethan made for me.

My first hand-written-all-by-myself Mother's Day card from Colton!

Due to the really warm weather, Lucas and Caleb's lillies are blooming early.  This makes me kind of sad, as they should be blooming the week of their birthday.  They are beautiful, though, and make me think of my sweet baby boys.

Here are some of the buys from the weekend.  I went through what we have left from Colton and Ethan.  All I could find was onesies and socks.  I guess I sold the rest several years ago, before we became pregnant with the twins. 

The rockstar collection.

Little brother/Big Brother shirts

A few outfits.

A few more outfits.

Love these!!

And my 21 week picture.  The panel on my pants is pretty much useless anymore.  I've been folding it down or just not wearing the ones with panels.

18-21 weeks...though I guess it is really 19-21 weeks.  Lots of growth going on!!

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Thursday, May 10, 2012

We are having...

A healthy baby!!!!! 

Our little Cinco looks perfect!!!  Cinco is measuring large, about 10 days ahead.  They moved my due date to the middle of what the two ultrasounds projected, so Sept. 25th.  This puts me at 20 weeks and 3 days.  I skipped a week, whoo hoo!  Cinco is weighing 15 oz.  Cinco should be weighing closer to 10.6 oz.  Big baby. 

A fabulous profile shot.  Cinco has Colton's nose, which is also Lucas and Caleb's nose.

And here is a great shot of a foot.  This baby was all over the place!  Love how I can see each and every toe.

Hi mama!  We received a great wave from little one!

And the shot we saw as soon as she turned the u/s on.  My beautiful baby boy showing the world his goods!!  There is absolutely no doubt here.

I am so excited about having a little boy.  Contrary to how I thought I might feel, my heart is just so full of joy and love.  I was crying some happy tears as we watched him move around.  We have chosen Simon as his name.  I am amazed at the peace I feel right now.  I just know, today, that this baby boy will be coming home with us, and will be a spunky addition to our family.  I am so excited to meet this not so little guy in four months.  (WOW, only four months!!!)

I decided to do some shopping for little man (or chipmunk as he has been lovingly referred to).  I forgot how truly small newborn clothes are.

I am looking forward to doing tons more shopping.  On Sunday, Dru and I are heading out to shop Simon.  Since it's been 5 years since we've had Ethan, I have little in the clothes department. (We bought everything in pairs for Lucas and Caleb.)  Not to mention that clothes are different and super cute now. 

Well, thank you all for being patient! 

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Wednesday, May 9, 2012

A Few Things

I am not feeling so hot, so this will be short and sweet.

Yay for being at 19 weeks!  Love it.  Though I just really don't have the energy to post details this week.  I am guessing it's allergy crud.  But it's enough to keep me off the computer for more than a few minutes at a time.

Tomorrow is U/S day!  I am so incredibly excited, yet anxious.  I have a few favors to ask all of you though.
 1.)If Cinco is a boy, none of the following comments will be appreciated:

        -I'm sorry
             -I'm not, healthy is #1 here
        - Wow! Three boys!!!  That'll be a handful!
             -Thanks for reminding me.  It should really be five.
        -Are you going to try again for a girl?
             -Ummm, let' get this baby here alive and healthy first.
        -Anything else around these lines

As much as I would love for Cinco to be a girl, the true goal of tomorrow is to be reassured that Cinco is a healthy baby.  I don't mean to be rude with the above.  I know from my pregnancy with Lucas and Caleb that these are common responses.  And while they aren't said with hurtful intentions, they will sting me a bit. 

I will not be going back home this weekend, so I plan on posting what we find out here tomorrow evening sometime.  Though, depending on how I am feeling (cold-wise), it might be Friday.

Well, I am off to rest a little more.  My head and lungs feel like they are about to explode.

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Friday, May 4, 2012


Oh what a day!  Really, what a few weeks! I've realized though that I've really missed blogging on a regular basis.  I am enjoying this.  It is maybe what I needed to get back into it.

My pictures both relate to a trip to Wal-Mart today.  How much I loathe having to walk into that store. 

Anyway, Colton woke up with a fever, achiness, nausea, and a headache this morning.  These symptoms together with the FOUR tick bites from Tuesday had this mama concerned.  I called the doctor and they had me in pretty quick.  Diagnosis: The one on his back is beginning to become infected, and one of the bites on his nether-regions could be the start of Lyme disease.  No panic, though.  Antibiotics for 14 days and just keep an eye on it. 

I dropped him off at home and headed to Wal-Mart on my own.  Three plus weeks with sick boys in my home, I am due for some alone time.

Below is the memorial locket I wear some days with Lucas and Caleb's ashes in it.  I was wearing it today and the lady at the pharmacy commented on how pretty it was.  I simply said thank you and that is was a memorial locket.  She asked who for.  I quickly told her we lost twin boys almost two years ago and their ashes were in it.  She was touched, not horrified.  She said she was sorry, but that it nice that I could keep them close.  She then asked if I knew what this baby was.  I said no, but that we'll find out next week.  She wished me the best, and I was on my way.  The whole interaction was touching.  It's been forever since I've talked to a complete stranger about my babies.  

And here is what I bought at Wal-Mart.  Note to husbands of pregnant wives.  Do not send your tired, stressed out, hungry, pregnant wife to the store alone unless you want this for dinner.  

A quick ending note.  I went to my first MEND support group meeting last night in six months.  I've stayed away, trying to not be reminded of the sad reality.  I decided to go last night for several reasons, and am so happy I did.  But there were two new babies I learned about that were lost during late pregnancy.  It made my heart drop and ache.  But my sweet baby Cinco was awake the whole 2 hour meeting.  She/he was letting me know she/he's okay and doing well.  Thank baby!!

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Thursday, May 3, 2012


Feeling pretty good today!  Willy is coming home from the lake early, and it'll be great to see him.  

Here is the statue from Mom of Multiples.  They gave it to us in honor of Lucas and Caleb.  It sits in our dining room.  I love it so much!

We are one week out from the anatomy scan.  I have crazy mixed emotions about this day, this appointment.  I wrote over at Among the Circle today about how I am feeling.

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Wednesday, May 2, 2012


Good morning!  I am feeling better today than yesterday.  We walked Colton to school, or I walked and they rode bikes.  The exercise first thing in the morning is helpful.  I really love the smell of the fresh cut grass and morning dew.  I think part of the reason why these signs of spring aren't affecting me too much is that when I was pregnant with Lucas and Caleb, I was too uncomfortable to really spend much time outside.  I couldn't walk much without Braxton Hicks contractions starting up, and just being in pain.  There are more flashback this year than there were last.  I am sure it is due to being pregnant with Cinco.  The two pregnancies have been so different, other than the time lines.  I am grateful for that.  Very much.

I woke to another visit from Lucas and Caleb this morning.  It just gives me goosebumps when I see their light on, knowing there is no other explanation to it being turned on.

I haven't worn this maternity swim top since the day my water broke.  I didn't know if I would ever wear it again.  But it was hot yesterday, and the boys were asking for me to get in the pool with them.  I put it on and felt grateful.  Grateful to have Cinco growing inside me, so that I could once again wear a maternity swim top.  When I packed it away, I really had little hope of ever having another baby.
 P.S.  Can you see the upward slant in my belly?  Not only I am carrying Cinco high (though she/he hangs out low), but my belly tilts to the sky.  This is another first in my pregnancies.

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Tuesday, May 1, 2012

2012 Birthday Project (2012 B.P.)

May 1st.  23 months since my baby boys were born.  Lucas still.  Caleb fighting for his life.  1 month from now we will be celebrating their too short lives.  My heart aches today.  The pain I feel today is pretty similar to the pain I felt last May 1st. 

Last year, in honor of my baby boys, I wrote thank you letters daily to those whose love and kindness helped me through the dark days, weeks, and months.  This year I want to do something different.  I'm gonna do a photo challenge, and would love for everyone to join me.  There are so many friends that I have met through this journey who May is hard for also.  Even if you didn't lose a baby/ies in May, I encourage you to join us.

The project.  Most of us have had our rainbow babies, or are expecting our rainbow babies.  What amazing miracles we hold.  I want to honor our babies in Heaven and hold dear the hope we have. 

Everyday, I am going to post a picture to honor Lucas and Caleb.  A picture that brings a smile to my face, as I think about and remember them.  I will also post a picture about hope.  The little miracle that is growing inside me every day.  A reminder that even during the darkest hours, there is still some light shining. 

Please feel free to share this on your blogs.  I would love to see this project help many grieving mommas through this tough month. 

Here are my May 1st photos

The picture of Cinco's heartbeat at 7 weeks.  

My dragonflies sent to me from Dana last year.  They are in the pond in the front yard and greet me everytime I pull in my driveway.
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