23 Weeks

This weekly post is different.  Lucas and Caleb's birthday (wow, just typing that brings on the tears) is just 2 days away.  It's just different.

I am excited to be at 23 weeks.  Simon is active as ever, it's as if he knows I need to know he is there, alive and spunky.  I feel good physically, and that heat isn't totally wiping me out yet.

But this week is hard.  I've felt strong emotionally up until the past few days.  Grief has crept in ever so slowly.  And today, whew, I'm already exhausted from it.  My heart hurts.  Every little pain, or too long without movement from Simon sends me into panic mode.  I am replaying those days in the hospital over and over again.  Who was there, what we talked about, how I felt.  I remember watching each hour passing, as we neared the next steroid shot and 48 hour mark.  I remember how positive I felt that it was all going to be okay.  I remember not yet being a part of this babyloss community.  (Although I love each and every one of you!)

There's a lot of pain, hurt right now.  And there is alot of fear.  I think that is the main difference between last year and this year.  Last year I grieved all we had lost and all we had been through.  This year I am missing them, but I am also so afraid we are going to lose Simon.  I am sure the time lines being so similar has tons to do with that. 

Last night about 1:30am, I woke up to a sharp pain in my right side.  I rolled over, trying to see if it would go away.  The pain was stabbing, and would only last a few seconds.  But then it would come back a few minutes later.  For some reason, Simon would kick that spot right after the pain hit. (Thank you baby boy for letting me know you were there)  I came downstairs to see if sitting up would help any.  All I could think about was what would they do if something was wrong?  I am not quite 24 weeks, so would they try and keep me pregnant until then?  Or if they had to take Simon, would they try to keep him alive, or apologize and bow their heads?  Then anger crept in.  These thoughts, these fears shouldn't be running through my mind.  I shouldn't know the reality of it all.  And I began to grieve the idea of a blissful pregnancy.

When I woke up this morning, I knew today wasn't going to be easy.  I tried to shake it off and headed downstairs.  I guess Lucas and Caleb knew also, as their light was on.  Normally it makes me smile, but today it brought on the tears. 

With all of this, I am feeling like a not so great momma.  Colton and Ethan are playing upstairs, quietly and together.  And I just don't feel I have it in me to embrace being their momma today.  I am grateful they have each other to play with.  I just feel guilty for not wanting to join in on their fun.

I'm spent.