Halloween

Halloween this year was definitely the best we've had.  Especially in the last few years.  In 2009 we were trying to conceive and it was taking longer than usual.  I was feeling frustrated, my cycle was everywhere. As we went through the neighborhood, I wondered if we'd have another baby next year or not.

 

In 2010, it had been almost 5 months since Lucas and Caleb had been born.  The entire evening was spent with me physically being with my family but emotionally being in another world.  My heart hurt, I was missing my two baby boys.  And the popular costume that year was Thing 1 and Thing 2.  I had almost ordered those onesies for Lucas and Caleb to wear on Halloween back in May.

 

In 2011, I was hoping we would start TTC-ing again.  I was 100% with my family, but would imagine pushing a stroller up and down those streets the following year. 

 

And this year, 2012, I was pushing that stroller.  All seemed pretty close to right.  Colton and Ethan ran from house to house.  Every once in awhile I thought about how crazy it would have been trying to keep track of FOUR boys running up and down the sidewalks.  And I felt Lucas and Caleb close by,with the swirling of the leaves and the soft snoring sounds of Simon in the stroller. 

 

Now for some pictures

 

The pumpkins the boys carved.  I'll post on that fun later.

Our breakfast that morning.  Willy and I make a pretty good creative team.

Happy First Halloween Mr. Simon!  

 

My boys and I

Ethan having a blast!  The Thomas pail is from Colton's 2nd Halloween...2007

Colton is so in to Ninja Turtles right now.  Love that he wasn't wanting some scary or gory costume.

These two house get together every year and put on this amazing display!  We love it, and we always look forward to seeing what each year brings.  In 2010 they did Adam's Family check it out here.  

This kid always gets soooo in to his character.  

Here is our haul from the night.  The boys were super excited and so were the parents.

Well....

Today's test was negative.  I first felt defeated, then it was just swept away.  It is still pretty early to test, even with an early detection pee-stick.  I thought I would do some of my own research, and found that there really is no surprise that it tested negative.  With me ovulating on day 16 of my cycle, my testing this morning is, according to their standards, like testing 5 days before my expected period.  Well, wish I would have known that several hours ago. 

Anyway, I feel like I am still in the running for this month.  I feel good today about it all.  There is little anxiety, and I know that I can't control any of it.  So I'm just going to sit back, enjoy the next couple of days, and see what happens.  If not this month, then next.

Caving In

Baby Cinco,

I feel farely confident you are a ball of cells in there growing right about  now.  My breasts are tender and I just feel off.  My breasts never feel tender around my period, so I figure it has to be baby hormones.  I am hoping.  I had originally planned to wait until day 31 to test, as that is the longest cycle I've had in six months.  But I am anxious, as always, so I'll be testing tomorrow (day 26) with a First Response test.  If it's negative, then I'll be disappointed and ready to wait again for next month.

If it's positive (feeling pretty good about that) then I'll of course be ecstatic!  I am so ready for all this. 

I spent the day with grandma today while scrapbooking.  I think she knows something is up. She kept asking questions that easily could have led to us TTC and stuff.  I did quite well fending them off, but it was torture. I want to share the happiness of where we are with her so bad.  But that would ruin the surprise of her finding out.  I get that.

Well, I'll be back tomorrow either way. 

Hello

Baby Cinco,
So, I have to write somewhere...and I really hope that I can figure out how to import all these posts into our family blog when we announce to the world we are expecting you.  As of now, I don't know if you are currently forming inside of me, but I truly feel the need to write to you. 

A few weeks ago, your daddy and I talked and agreed we would begin trying to conceive.  This was HUGE!!!!  I've wanted this for so long and there were truly times when I didn't believe it was going to happen.  The excitement I feel on a daily basis is impossible to describe.

Now, 7 days into the 2 week wait, my mind often wonders to you.  Are you in there, growing every day?  In a few weeks will I get to hear your heartbeat for the first time?  Or will it be a few more months before you come to be?  I am really trying to be patient with all of this, but geez.

I have prayed for you for months.  I have prayed for you to be here, to be healthy, and just plain alive.  The reality of the baby loss world really sucks at times, especially in the place I am in right now.  I know what can, and does, happen.  And I know it's not just a one time thing for every mom.  I worry about you already.  I am really trying to trust the Lord in all this.  And I know there are so many who are close to me praying for you also.  Some days are easier than others. 

I hope writing here will help some with all of this.  I am  getting ready to launch a new support site for moms experiencing subsequent births and raising their rainbow babies.  I have so many dreams and ideas for this site.  I really hope it takes off well.  You help give me inspiration for this, sweet baby.  Thank you!

Lovingly yours,
Mommy

Trying again

I've been noticing a big difference in my desire to try again for another baby. It's a good difference, more like a shift, really. For the first several weeks all I could think about was getting pregnant and soon. Now it's an idea that comes and goes freely, but isn't taking over my thoughts like it used to. I think it's really interesting how I've kind of moved through different phases of this. I feel certain it's part of my grieving process. I thought I would write about it some since it really does and will play a big part in my life.

Within an hour of delivering Caleb and Lucas, Dr. M came in to tell me that the c-section went well. She also informed me that we were in lucky in that she was able to do a horizontal incision instead of the vertical, which is typical at 24 week gestation. She then explained that this was important for future pregnancies. I was instantly horrified! How could she mention future pregnancies when I had just delivered a stillborn baby and my other son was seriously battling for his life? I couldn't imagine having anymore babies right now.

About a week after Lucas and Caleb were born I started getting that itch. The one that I needed, no I HAD to be pregnant like right now! I just had to. It was really weird. My good friend, Rhonda called it that empty need to be pregnant. I felt it and wanted it. I felt some guilt, it wasn't that I was trying to replace the two I had lost, I just missed being pregnant. I just knew that being pregnant again would make me feel better.

When I asked my doctor at my 4 week post-op visit, I was hoping she would tell me 3 months. The answer I got from her was 6 months. SIX MONTHS!!!! I actually started crying. There was no way I could wait that long! Then she explained to me that getting pregnant any earlier would drastically increase my chance of miscarriage and even stillbirth. And I very quickly accepted it. I am willing to wait that 6+ months so that I never have to go through this kind of pain again. Even though it isn't guaranteed, at least I can give my self better chances for a successful pregnancy.

Over the last week I've noticed a sudden change in how I have been feeling in regards to being pregnant. I no longer have that empty need, I have full blown baby fever. I want another baby. When I hear a baby cry I think how I miss it, I want it to be my baby. I want to play the role of a mommy to a newborn, infant, toddler, all the stages. I want to do it all again. And I find so much peace in all this. The change is comforting. I no longer feel rushed. I still feel cheated. I know I always will. And I know having another baby won't take all the pain away. But I remember that when we conceived the twins it was because we were wanting a third child. Losing Lucas and Caleb didn't take away that desire. It makes me more anxious about it all, but I still feel like our family isn't complete.