Saturday, May 31, 2014

This Day

This day is always harder than tomorrow.  It's the day when my world came crashing to a screeching halt, four years ago.  I wish I could run away from this day.  I wish I could skip to tomorrow when I know I'll feel better.  I feel physically ill right now.  For the second time this morning, I am close to vomiting.  I guess the past couple of weeks are catching up to me.

But I know that I must walk through this day to get to tomorrow.  I must embrace all the hurt and pain today to feel the peace of tomorrow and the next day.  I'm not sure why their birthday is so very peaceful for me, but I am grateful for that. And June 2nd, when Caleb died, is always more peaceful than the 1st. 

Yesterday my sister called to let me know two dragonflies followed her throughout the morning while she mowed the lawn.  I saw a double rainbow yesterday evening after a bout of rain.  They are always right here with me.  And yet they are so far away.  Days like today I can remember how it felt to hold them both in my arms.  So tiny, but so perfect.

I am so grateful for the love and support of my friends and family. I am grateful for a husband that checks on me and gives me more grace than I probably deserve. And I am ever so grateful for the three boys that call me mom and want to snuggle on the couch.  And for this little one growing inside, who reminds me there is always hope.

I am planning having this printed on a canvas for the new house.  I love this picture, and it just truly says so much.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Not So Loud This Year

I'm doing surprisingly well this week. Grief is a little quieter.  I know it could change in 15 minutes, but I've been feeling better than expected all week.  The holiday weekend brought fun and no tears (minus the hormonal breakdown surrounding house stuff).  After the way May began I really expected to be a basket case by now. I am embracing the great moments and happy days.  Maybe this year will be easier.  I am still waiting for Saturday to come and for me to feel broken. But maybe it'll be a little more gentle this year.

I've had a few flashbacks this week, but nothing like it's been in the past.  Tomorrow marks four years since my water broke. I know I'll glance at the clock for the next several days, remembering what was going on at different times.  It's how it is, my reality now.  Five days of remembering uncertainty, hope, grief, and more love than one can ever imagine.  Four years out I can pull positive feelings out of it all.  God has shown and given me so much grace through all this.  And this year I am really trying to focus more on the amazing gifts Lucas and Caleb left me.

We have a wonderful, but quiet, family day planned for Sunday.  I am looking forward to spending time with Willy and the boys.  We're going to fish, eat, play, and swim in a quiet area of an area lake.  It's going to be a time of celebrating family togetherness, and Lucas and Caleb.  This time of year the dragonflies are flying about, hovering over the water.  What better place to celebrate Lucas and Caleb's lives than by a lake where the dragonflies will join us.

I know that with the house stuff, being 15 weeks pregnant (YAY), and the boys beginning summer vacation today has helped me through the beginning of this week.  We are so busy, trying to wrap up stuff, keep the house clean, and chasing Simon.  That boy ran around the house for over 30 minutes last night.  I love the enjoyed chaos of our life.  There are still times when I can sense the hole that is in our family.  But the sting isn't always as intense any longer.  Most times it's a thought that comes and goes with a short stab.  Once in awhile I have to time to let it really soak in.  Willy and I will talk about it, and Lucas and Caleb, some.  We appreciate the moment together.  Then some boy comes running through yelling like a crazed monkey and body slams another boy or Willy. 

Speaking of crazed monkeys, the youngest has woke up.

The oldest two boys watching tv together.  I truly hope they always love each other like this.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

What's Been Going On

 So, we've moved the computer to the new office upstairs. Willy is working at the desk, so I'm going to try and write this post in my Kindle. Please forgive any mistakes, as I sometimes don't catch them on here.

14 weeks pregnant this week. Wow, second trimester is being kind to me. What a difference a week can make. I feel like I'm feeling getting back on top of the house, calendar, and the natives running around the house. My appetite had come back times four, and I'm beginning to desire to eat better than I have in months. We juiced this morning and I had two eggs with a piece of toast. Feels like a great start to my day. I had an amazing salad yesterday and kabobs for dinner.

I had an appointment Monday. I love seeing W and Dr L. And to see them in a Monday just stays my week of right. I'm really going to be sad when our visits are down to once a year. Anyway, Turkey's heartbeat was at 159. And really no complaints. Dr L confirmed that I'll be attempting a second VBAC. And I'll be back in four weeks.  I feel pretty good for the most part right now. Cravings are mainly for fruit and veggies, and Mexican food. I have absolutely no desire for ice cream, which is a new one for me. Sweets in general tend to turn my stomach a little.

Emotionally I'm doing pretty good. Today. The day before Mother's Day was rough, as it is every year. And yet I'm still surprised when it hits so hard. Lucas and Caleb are so close to the surface of my heart right now, it doesn't take much for things to begin to crumble. But most the time right now, I'm feeling happy. I've had some flashbacks, and the what-ifs pop in here and there. I'm pretty sure that's something that will always stick around. I've finally decided what I want to do for their birthday. That makes me feel better also. I'm actually looking forward to the day some and the memories we'll make.

Nothing really new with the house selling. THey're waiting on a possible offer, but that's really all we have going on. The couple seems to be wanting to take their time some. But at least there is interest. We moved bedrooms around this weekend, making them larger. It's it's downstairs now. It's taking some adjusting, but it'll work. We'll be able to update the pictures soon, so hopefully it'll bring more interest.  The house in Rogersville is still ours. The contract expires June 3rd. We're hoping that if we don't have a contract by then, that'll they'll renew it.

That's really about it. School is it for summer next Wednesday. I'm looking forward to the fun we're going to have while the boys are home. And Simon will love having them here all day every day.

13 weeks taken last week.
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