Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Not So Loud This Year

I'm doing surprisingly well this week. Grief is a little quieter.  I know it could change in 15 minutes, but I've been feeling better than expected all week.  The holiday weekend brought fun and no tears (minus the hormonal breakdown surrounding house stuff).  After the way May began I really expected to be a basket case by now. I am embracing the great moments and happy days.  Maybe this year will be easier.  I am still waiting for Saturday to come and for me to feel broken. But maybe it'll be a little more gentle this year.

I've had a few flashbacks this week, but nothing like it's been in the past.  Tomorrow marks four years since my water broke. I know I'll glance at the clock for the next several days, remembering what was going on at different times.  It's how it is, my reality now.  Five days of remembering uncertainty, hope, grief, and more love than one can ever imagine.  Four years out I can pull positive feelings out of it all.  God has shown and given me so much grace through all this.  And this year I am really trying to focus more on the amazing gifts Lucas and Caleb left me.

We have a wonderful, but quiet, family day planned for Sunday.  I am looking forward to spending time with Willy and the boys.  We're going to fish, eat, play, and swim in a quiet area of an area lake.  It's going to be a time of celebrating family togetherness, and Lucas and Caleb.  This time of year the dragonflies are flying about, hovering over the water.  What better place to celebrate Lucas and Caleb's lives than by a lake where the dragonflies will join us.

I know that with the house stuff, being 15 weeks pregnant (YAY), and the boys beginning summer vacation today has helped me through the beginning of this week.  We are so busy, trying to wrap up stuff, keep the house clean, and chasing Simon.  That boy ran around the house for over 30 minutes last night.  I love the enjoyed chaos of our life.  There are still times when I can sense the hole that is in our family.  But the sting isn't always as intense any longer.  Most times it's a thought that comes and goes with a short stab.  Once in awhile I have to time to let it really soak in.  Willy and I will talk about it, and Lucas and Caleb, some.  We appreciate the moment together.  Then some boy comes running through yelling like a crazed monkey and body slams another boy or Willy. 

Speaking of crazed monkeys, the youngest has woke up.

The oldest two boys watching tv together.  I truly hope they always love each other like this.

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