Friday, August 22, 2014

Back in the Swing

Today wraps up the second week of school for the big boys.  And I think we are finally getting back into routine around here.  At least we are almost making it out the door on time in the mornings.  The boys really like their teachers, and are doing well in their classes.  The afternoons and evenings are still a little rough, but we're managing.  I think I am still trying to fit a ton of stuff in that I really couldn't during the summer.  And my Scentsy business is beginning to really take off again, so that keeps me busy, also.

This boy is getting so big.  I love how unimpressed he is here.

Simon is enjoying them being back at school.  He loves his big brothers, but I am sure it is nice to not be yelled at by them all. day. long.  I know it's nice to have to be hearing it. I'm also enjoying the one-on-one time with him before Benjamin arrives.  I know he is going to have a hard time once Benjamin is here and he realizes Benjamin is here to stay.  We took him Wednesday to Build-A-Bear to make a big brother animal.  It was so much fun!  He chose a bulldog with a dinosaur roar!  Love the kid!!

Speaking of the Simon.  The kid is so full of personality!  He loves animals and fish!  We spend a ton of time watching fish in aquariums.  I am so ready for the cooler weather so we can spend more time at the zoo.  Our zoo is far from impressive, but watching him enjoy the animals makes it so much fun.
I am starting some tot school stuff with him next week. He is so smart, and I really want to encourage his love for learning. 

I don't think I've introduced our kitten, Piper, on here.  We found her about five weeks ago in a culvert pipe out in the country.  She was crying, sticking her head out of a hole.  Simon saw her and she became ours.  She is such a loving kitten.  She purrs all the time and has chosen me as "her person."  She enjoys, sometimes tolerates, the boys. She is also full of spunk and cuteness.  Here are a few pics.


Everything is going well with Benjamin.  His movements are becoming more pushes and shoves.  Some are painful, but I still love every. single. movement.  He still has a pretty good schedule for when he's awake and when he's resting.  We had a little scare the other day when my umbrella assaulted my tummy while I was trying to shut it.  After a phone call to the nurse, and 30 minutes waiting for lil one to move, I was reassured (mostly) that all was okay.  I really look forward to meeting him in November.

Well, that's about it for now. I have to head out to MOPS and get my Friday going.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Surviving the Milestones

I thought I'd been doing really well this pregnancy.  The fear has been at a minimal since finishing the first trimester.  I've enjoyed this pregnancy with an underlying knowledge that horrible things happen, but it wasn't at the forefront of my mind every hour of every day.  I've enjoyed that so much!

24 week baby bump

Monday was 24 weeks for Mr. B.  It was such a sigh of relief, knowing if things started to go south, he'd have much more of a chance of surviving. Viability....24 weeks.  How little I knew about that before Lucas and Caleb were born. 24 weeks was just another week down til meeting our little men.  Know it's circled in bright red on the calendar.  The second big target date to reach. 

I was talking with Willy last weekend about how this week could be a tough one for me.  I remember I was a huge mess between 24 and 25 weeks with Simon. 

24 weeks, 1 day: water broke with Lucas and Caleb
24 weeks, 3 days: Lucas died
24 weeks, 4 days: Lucas and Caleb was born
24 weeks, 5 days: (Day one after birth) Caleb died.

That's a whole lot of scary moments to swim around in a short amount of time.  I breezed through Tuesday this week.  We spent the day at SDC as a family.  Wednesday was a great day for me.  And Wednesday night I was falling asleep, patting myself on the back for handling this week of pregnancy with Benjamin so well.  Fear hadn't crept in much at all, and I was enjoying my moments with him.

Then Thursday morning hit.  Benjamin didn't wake up with me as he ALWAYS does.  He was quiet through my shower and breakfast.  I had a regular prenatal visit scheduled, so I was trying to get ready for it.  But as the minutes passed by without feeling him moving around, I started to make plans.  How if I couldn't find his heartbeat with the Doppler after breakfast I would have to make plans for the kids so Willy could come with me to the dr.  How I would have to call my friend and let her know I wouldn't be picking up her son.  And the flashbacks began.  How much pain there was when Dr M looked at me and shook her head when she couldn't find Lucas' heartbeat.  And all I could do was pray.  Pray for the pain and fear to just go away.  Try and have faith that no matter what, we would be okay.  Fear is not of God, and I try to remember that in those dark moments.  I try to embrace it with all I have left.

I found Benjamin's heartbeat after breakfast.  It was quiet and slower than usual, but I felt confident it was there.  Knowing I would be seeing Dr L in less than hour, I finished getting ready and headed to the office on my own.  I talked with a close friend on the way there that helped to talk me down a little.  I have to say that it is so wonderful to have friends who "get" it, and don't think you are totally nuts at times like this.

My nurse, W, found his heartbeat.  150....not his normal.  She found it again. 150, his heartbeat was there.  He gave me a good jab while she was looking for it.  Happy with that.  Dr L measured me at 25 weeks, he's growing well.  And he was pretty active most of the day.  I could breathe a little easier.  But not entirely.

Here's the facts.  I know the pain of losing a child.  I know the reality of losing a child.  I know it can, and does, happen more than once.  And sometimes those facts play louder in my head than I would like.  Sometimes they're like a broken record, others I've succeed to push them far behind and have faith that Benjamin will be in my arms, crying in 15 short weeks.  The roller coaster ride of emotions that come with a subsequent pregnancy is tough.  This pregnancy has been easier, but there are still the tough moments.  In ways I miss the na├»ve moments of pregnancy I had with Colton and Ethan, but I honestly believe I wouldn't be able to truly embrace the moments, as I do now, that I have had with Simon and Benjamin.
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