Thursday, April 28, 2011


I never thought about the "cycles" of friends and acquaintances you go through throughout life. But as I get ready to be part of the PTA board at Colton's school next year, I realize I don't know any of these people, and they don't know me, know us.

I was asked at the last board meeting about my "other" children by a teacher that may have Colton next year. I was having a good day, great week, so I kept it simple. I took a deep breath, and I told her I have a 3 year old at home also. And I left it at that. Guilt hit me, it stung, but I pushed it away. This wonderful teacher may learn another time about Lucas and Caleb, but then just wasn't the time.

I will also mention that there is a PTA board member that has 10 year old (I think) identical twin boys. I haven't seen them together yet, and I hope I don't for awhile. I am sure it will sting some, but the age difference will pad the majority of what it could turn into.

Several months ago I decided I didn't want to be defined by our loss. I didn't want to be "that woman humped over there that lost twins." I still stick to that. Although Lucas and Caleb's lives have definitely re-defined who I am and who I want to be and most everything I do, I don't feel the need to share them with the whole world. I know I mentioned this a while back, but they are too special to share with just anyone.

I am sure as next school year progresses, these new people in our lives will learn about our babies in Heaven. I have some anxiety joining a new "group" of people who don't know. I actually feel like I am leaving Lucas and Caleb behind a little. But I know when the time is right, and with the ones who will treat their memory respectively, I will share my twin sons.

Maybe I should just say, "I'm chasing a three year old at home, also." ...for the time being.

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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Update on Patches

To my fellow babyloss friends:

I know many of you signed up to be visited by Patches the Bear. There was recently a HUGE issue with her site and she lost all the information and sign up lists. I thought I would post this here along with the link so that if you wanted to re-sign up you could. There are only a few names on the current list right now and it is really sad that so many moms might be losing their chance with such a special bear.

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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Easter, Rain, and Birthday Struggle

Easter weekend was fun. Went up to Washington to visit family.

Snickers getting ready for his first long car trip. He upchucked before we left Springfield, so was able to spend the rest of the three hour trip in his crate in the back. He loved it, I guess. We never heard a peep out of him.

We arrived Friday night just before the tornadoes hit in St Louis. Dad wasn't home yet, so we ate something and gave the boys a bath. They really love their bubble baths, since we don't have a tub at home.

On Saturday, is was rainy and chilly, so we just hung around. Saturday afternoon we met with my dad's family to have dinner at Ponderosa, then back to his house to visit for awhile. Ed, Erika's boyfriend, also brought his son, Evan. He had so much fun with my boys.

We thought we would die eggs with the kids. Even though after 10 minutes or so it was really the adults doing the dunking.

The kit was a Monster kit. You see the tri-colored one with the purple "antenae"? Colton decorated that one. He said, "This one has no hair because it's a daddy." Poor Willy.

The kids' Easter baskets. Since everyone else gave them tons of candy, the Easter bunny decided that fruit was a great idea. And my boys were thrilled!!

The boys received some neat bubble blowers in their baskets, but they were kind of tricky. Here's Willy trying to show Colton how to make the bigger bubbles.

Sunday, late morning, we headed to Erika's place for BBQ. She did a fantastic job getting everything together for us, last minute.

Snickers met his cousin, Max, for the first time. Max is quite shorter than Snickers, but Snicker still isn't a fan of him. He did figure out that he can jump higher than Max, though.

We came home Sunday night to thunderstorms. It stormed through the night and the day on Monday. Dark, gloomy weather. When Willy came home we saw that some water had seeped up into the crawl space. So he got out the pool pump to pump it out. I told the kids they could get their raincoats on and hold the umbrella for him. I then went upstairs to work on some Thank You cards for MOPS.

The doorbell rang, I ran downstairs to find Willy at the front door. I open it and he says, "Get your camera, you want to check this out."

My boys decided to "splash" in the water in the ditch.

Only it was more like swimming.

I love how they can just let everything go and enjoy oppurtunities like this. I have learned so much from these two.


I headed out this morning to do some shopping for post-Easter sales. I went to Hobby Lobby to also pick up a clear mounting block, since mine has found itself lost.

I found these for Lucas and Caleb. I guess they are birthday gifts. I want to make them a garden on their birthday. Since we are hopefully moving in the future, we really can't. I've decided to buy a big (really big) planter to plant a few flowers in. We are going to make them a stepping stone on their birthday and these dragonflies will go perfectly in there, also.

I really really want to make their birthday a time to celebrate them and their short lives. But grief is quickly storming in and I find it to be a struggle. I have lots of ideas for the month of May, for the five days that are really all about them, and their bithday. None of it seems to be enough, though. I should be planning a HUGE bash for them. Worrying about finishing invitations on time, what large, fun gifts to get them, and what their cake will look like. Instead I am struggling to celebrate when my heart really wants to break all over again.

I wanted to close this with a magical moment. As I walked through my dining room to refill my cup of coffee a few minutes ago, I noticed the light above their shelf on the china hutch was on. The "touch" spot is at the top of one of the doors, so Ethan couldn't have done it. It wasn't on when I first sat down to write this. Thank you, sweet baby boys.

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Friday, April 22, 2011

Colton's Lego Party

Once again, a little late, but here it is.

Colton's 5th birthday party had a lego-racecar theme. I was really excited about this party as there were so many great ideas to go with it.

First, here's Colton's cake. Willy's mom does a FABULOUS job and is incredibly talented. You can tell she pours all her love into these. And Willy sat on the floor one night, building the cars. Sadly enough it only took 15 minutes or so.

These kids are surrounding over 600 legos! We decided to let the kids all build their own lego car and then had races. The rush to the legos was worth every bit of it. Then there was the excitement when I told them they get to take them home. Love it!!

Colton's pinata. We do one at EVERY birthday party. You can see the determination he had to hit it just right.

This is his friend friend, C. The enjoyment on his face as he beats the crap out of the pinata is a little unnerving. Can't wait to show this picture to his momma.

The candy. Three and a half pounds of candy was picked up in under 45 seconds. Seriously. Not a piece left on the ground. Guess that is what happens when 24 kids our waiting for it to drop.

Grandpa Mike. Nothing else to write here.

Another of Willy's works of art.

Colton's first real video game. Mario Galaxy 2. Judging by this picture, he will be alot like his daddy.

Colton and Austin putting together the yellow lego truck together. I love how Michelle's kids and mine can grow up together even though there are 200 miles between us. So blessed.

The party was a blast, one of our best. We had so many people there that it reminded me how much I have to be grateful for. My family is in a great place and we are surrounded by so many that love us, and that we love. Thank you to everyone who came and shared this day with us!

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Sunday, April 17, 2011

Happy Birthday, Colton!

Colton turns 5 today! I cannot believe he's already 5 years old. It really seems like we were just getting ready for him to enter this world. This big boy is my first, my oldest. And he will always hold that special place. He is so sweet and compassionate, and a little dramatic. There are so many things that I can write about him. I just love him so much. He made me a mommy. Just a little on his entrance to the world: My water broke the morning of the 18th when I rolled over in bed. Or should I say started leaking. They admitted me around 10:00am and started the awful pitocin. I decided to hold off on the epidural and regretted that. I started pushing around 4:00pm, learned how to properly push at 4:30pm and he came out, crying at 5:14pm. Labor was tough as it was all back labor and my epidural wasn't put in until I was at 8cm. But every moment was well worth it. So here are a few pictures to share of Colton: Taking a break from walking the halls to call Willy's mom to let her know Colton was on his way. I was HUGE with him, he weighed a whopping 9lbs 7oz!!
Our very first family picture. I swear he never looked like a newborn. He came out half-grown.

Colton and his bear Winchester. Once he quit crying, he smiled all the time!

His first Thanksgiving. I just really love this picture.

His 5th birthday party (another post about that this week). I can't believe how much he has grown and changed!

I love you little man!

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Thursday, April 14, 2011

My Big Boy

Countdown to Pre-K Graduation 25 Days....This is what I saw when I picked Colton up from school. I can't believe it's already that time. My little boy will soon be a kindergartner and truly a big boy. Or as Kristan put it, 5 means he's a kid. hehe Here are his cap and gown pictures. Picture People has closed their stores, so they sent them to the school and we have them on disc with a copyright release. And for once my Colton took some great pictures. I just have to share them. I also have grand plans for high school graduation poses and comparisons. I really can't believe how big/old he looks in this picture...

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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Not sure yet

I'm not sure if I am truly ready for this. I have thought and pondered over the last several months. And I've prayed about it.

Every spring my MOPS group has Tea and Testimony. We all sit together, drinking tea while three of us share our testimony with the group. And I've committed to sharing mine. Seven weeks before Lucas and Caleb's first birthday. I am sharing a testimony that I am sure wouldn't exist if they were here, crawling around.

I am nervous and anxious about this. Since my testimony really is about their story, I am also sharing their story. Although many of these moms know at least a part of their story, I am not sure if I am ready to really share it. Their story has become sacred to me, something that I must protect. Their lives were so precious and their memory special.

I write this asking for prayers and thoughts over the next couple days as I prepare in detail what I am going to share. I've outlined a couple times over the past couple of weeks, but it's time to really get down to the nitty gritty of it all. It seems like everything is going in circles and I am looking for a straight(er) path. I want it to all make sense and be coherent. And I want to find the right combination of sharing the two intertwining journeys, the one of faith and the one of grief.

Thank you much!

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P.S. Oh and also that I don't go on forever, but keep it 15-20 minutes or so. Because we all know how much I like to talk. hehe

Monday, April 11, 2011

Summer Days....already!

This weekend was crazy packed. This post is long with alot of pictures, but considering I took over 150, I think I narrowed it down pretty well. Saturday was 88 with a slight breeze. We took the boys to the park to do some creek fishing and play. I forgot my camera, so I didn't get a picture of the fish they caught. We then headed to Wal-Mart to get some last minute stuff and then home. We decided that since it was so incredibly warm, we would get out the slip-n-slide for them. Snickers is a fan also. I wasn't really sure how he would do with water, but it looks like he's gonna be a water puppy.

Colton speeding down and Snickers not expecting a splash.

Snickers wanting to join in on the fun. He chased the boys up and down the slip-n-slide. Or tried to, he's kind of faster than they are, so it was more like circles.

Ethan would run down the track and slide just before the pool at the end. It's been fun watching the boys grow into this summer toy. Each year they seem to get it more and more.

Where's Snickers?

Colton just about plowed down Ethan several times. They liked to use the same lane for some reason.

We had our 3rd Annual Easter Egg Hunt yesterday. We skipped last year since I was crazy pregnant with the twins and Colton's birthday was right after Easter. Holding this party did alot for me this year. It really made me feel like we were getting back to normal, doing normal things from before everything was turned around. Here's the table of snacks and such. I didn't realize until after I placed the grapes on the table that I also had a bowl of plastic grapes. Hence the note. And the special treat this year was the hidden treat rice krispie eggs. Willy and I had a great time putting those together.

The nearly 500 eggs we hid in the yard.

Ethan on the run. He passed up probably 50 eggs in the grass to get the one in the toy.

Thomas finding his second egg. The first one he picked up was one of the camoflauge eggs. Good eye, kiddo.

The Golden Egg. There was close to $8.00 in it this year. Way to go, Andrew!

Most of us watching the kids play. And me sporting a skirt by choice. The outfit, including shoes, cost $8.50!

After most everyone left, we decided to BBQ. The dad's headed outside to hang around the grill. I decided to send the 5 kiddos outside to play so the "women-folk" could have some quiet time. I had prepped everything earlier in the day so I didn't have to do it all after the party. Here is Ken and Thomas playing ball. And Brian pushing Riley on the tire swing in the background.

The kiddos eating.

The adults eating. And Baby Morgan quietly sitting in her bouncey seat. And check out the "redneck" table we were using. Someday we'll have a nice deck and patio set. And this picture will help us appreciate it more.

After dinner, the kids played some more. Colton gave rides in the wagon for almost an hour. The adults just sat and talked, and laughed. I tell you, Willy and I are so blessed to have such wonderful friends, more like family. I am sure last night was just a glimpse to our summer. I cannot express the amount of fun we have with these two families. They are the kind of friends where good-byes last an hour or more, the kids play til we leave (no matter the hour), and we laugh until it hurts.

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