Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Really Losing It

*Whine warning: This post contains alot of complaining*

I give up. I thought Monday was the day of grief for me. Boy was I ever wrong. So here's all of it.

I have had a cough for going on FOUR weeks now. And it's not just a little cough, we're talking cough so hard you might (and have) throw up. And since I've vaginally delivered two babies, I tend to wet some when I get to coughing hard enough. Last weekend the drainage started. So now my nose is raw and I am coughing, trying to get up what just won't come up. I have triend EVERYTHING under the sun and nothing really works. I have an appt at 1:30 today and will hopefully be on the up. This has really been wearing me down.

Colton has pink eye, in both eyes. Last week was spring break, and with the pink eye, he couldn't go back to school yesterday. Plus, we couldn't really go anywhere for them to play. The boys need a break from each other and I really need to get back into some kind of routine. They are getting along for the most part, but cabin fever is starting to set in. And I honestly am so tired about being told to cough into my elbow. 29+ years of coughing in my hand is a hard habit to break. I love that Colton is so aware about spreading germs, but in my current state, I am frustrated.

A good friend lost her husband on Sunday. She has twin 2 year old boys and a 1 year old baby girl. Say a prayer for her and her babes. Grief is grief and it really sucks and is hard to do. She has some really hard days, months, years ahead of her.

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Rhonda's baby girls' births and departure. She is such an amazing person and I truly hate that she has had to go through this, also. This has hit me hard. And I feel selfish that I'm having a hard time. But it really hits home how close to that one year we are. It hurts.

Oh, and let's not forget that Mediacom SUCKS butt!!! My phone connection is intermittent. My phone calls are often disconnected and I'll lose service for 5-10 minutes. They've been out here numerous times, sent out linemen, and yet there are still problems. Just the cherry on top today!

And there is more to all this AHHHH, but I really need to stop here. My chest hurts and I need to get some things taken care of before my appt later. Willy is going to come home later to watch the boys. I might take an extra half hour or so for me on the way home. I know that things will get better. But for right now it's pretty dark around here. I truly hate grief and all it has brought to my family. I hate who it turns me into when it's the heaviest.

Update: I have an "intense case of bronchitis" Should be feeling better by tomorrow and the cough will go away in a couple weeks.

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Monday, March 28, 2011

Rough Rambles

Dear Grief,

You're here. I can't welcome you back, because you really haven't been missed. Maybe on some sort of sick level, where the guilt of not having you around, you have been missed. But all in all, I could do without you in my life. Or my family's for that matter. But since you are around, sit, have a drink or two. Bring the fresh tears that always seem to cleanse my heart. That leave me exhausted, yet ready to pick it all up and start over again. At least you don't just "pop" in anymore, you always ring first to let me know you are on your way. I have actually embraced our visit this time. It has given me some light on areas that were dark. Now it's time to think about leaving for awhile. One day of your presence is enough for me. I have children to love and attend to, friends and family who need me, and a life that I enjoy most days. I truly hope to wake tomorrow to find your footsteps leading away from me.

So craziness aside, I am beginning to feel better. I've been waiting for today. There are so many, many events that have brought all this on. I am grateful for taking the day off. My boys are still in their pajamas, I am in a sweatshirt that I haven't worn in 8+ weeks, and I've been honest with those who have asked in on me. I am tired, worn out and worn down.

I hate days like today. I feel selfish during these days. I feel like my time in this "world of grief" should be nearing the end. No one has said it, and I know other BLM's feel it also. And I don't honestly believe that is how it works. It's just a thought that pops in and out.

I'm tired now. Writing has brought on more tears. This whole post feels crazy. But it's thoughts that needed to be out, maybe shared. Sorry about the choppiness, that is kind of how my mind is working today. Bits and pieces, here and there. I can't stick with a thought longer than just a few minutes. It's kind of familiar, a lot like fresh grief.


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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Grief Always Finds Me

(Dana N. the details of the dream below might be hard for you. Just wanted to give you a head's up)

I've been doing GREAT lately. Like really, really good. It's been two weeks since I have cried for my Lucas and Caleb. The last I remember crying for them was when I was sharing part of my testimony to my bible study group. I have felt this calm, this peacefulness, that I had forgotten existed. And I was thinking yesterday how great this seems to be. I know that next week is 10 months, and in 10 weeks is one year. WOW!!!

Then last night I dreamed. The dream was scary. I was at the OB's office with Willy, the boys, and Willy's parents. We announced to them there that I was expecting again. I went in for an ultrasound and Dr. L. asked me how far along I was. I answered with 20-21 weeks. She then asked me to remove my clothes. I thought it was weird, but obliged. She then reached down and pulled the baby out. No warning, nothing! The baby had bands around it's limbs and torso. It's fingers were only little stubs, and the face not really formed yet. I was devastated. I wondered how I was going to tell everyone we had lost another baby. Dr. L. didn't really say anything other than I'm sorry.

This dream has kind of stuck with me through the day. The image of the baby is plastered to my mind. I'm not sure what has brought this on. I am sure grief is missing me. And me going off birth control soon (no we aren't TTC, just having problems) probably adds to it. But I feel a little lost all of a sudden. I like how I fabulous I feel, but the guilt of doing so well is starting to creep in. Go figure. And then there is the knowledge that this greatness just can last.

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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Our Weekend

What a weekend! We started off Saturday morning with a birthday party. The boys really had a good time and left with balloons. Then mommy let them escape from the van. We had to go get new balloons. Normally I'm not one of those moms who needs to replace stuff like that, but it was my fault and a balloon to a child is their world.

Then it started to storm Saturday evening....

I took Snickers out on the front porch to potty. Keep in mind, this puppy doesn't go very far from us when we are outside....he stays within 4 or 5 feet. When something "scares" him, he runs back to us and sits at our feet. Well, not this time. He took off. I don't mean just simply started to run. He vanished. He was running so fast, he ran past Willy and Mike and they never saw him. We proceeded to walk through the mud and rain for the next hour calling for him. Dru and I went out in the truck for another hour. Then Mike and Dru took out for another half hour after dropping me back at home.

The next morning the boys and I went out for 45 minutes before heading to church, and still no Snickers. We had our number out to various people who were out walking, Mike called it in to cracker barrel (a Sunday morning "talk" show), and we had called in to the microchip company.

Sunday evening around 9:15, 24Petwatch called with a guy on the other line. He had found our puppy. He was only 3 blocks south of us and I was on my way. Other than smelling like wet dog and dirt, he was okay. We are now back to housetraining. And he seems to have found his spot in our family well. I cannot express my gratitude for the man who called the number on Snickers' tag. Losing Snickers was scary and heartbreaking.

We also had a Rockband birthday party for Willy on Sunday. Since we have pinatas at our kids' parties, Willy felt he wanted one also.

Willy posing like a garden gnome. I love him!

The kiddos eating and watching a movie in the playroom.

Here is some of the rockstar action we had going on. I love how much fun we all have with these games. We have some amazing friends and we always just have a blast meow when we get together. The time flys by quickly and it's usually pretty late, but that is part of the fun.

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Thursday, March 17, 2011

A Good Week

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! I love this holiday! It is the only day we get to have corned beef and Willy doesn't groan too much. We can all wear green and people don't laugh at us for matching. And this year it's a little more. Shamrocks (4 leaf clovers) are said to be good luck. Leprechauns hang out at the end of rainbows. Rainbows and good luck....that will make many of us smile.

It's been a pretty good week thus far. Having a puppy around keeps me busy. The whippet part of him keeps him close, under my feet or on my lap. Much like a 1 year old. House training is going pretty well. And every time I look into those beautiful brown eyes, my heart just melts.

I registered Colton for Kindergarten yesterday. Talk about an emotional morning. I really can't believe he is going to be that big. I suddenly felt like I didn't have enough time left with him at home.

Thought I would share this picture. These boys are the best of friends. They are my reason for waking up on the hard days. They make me laugh every day, and just warm my heart. I am so grateful to be blessed with the two of them. I honeslty don't know what I would do without them. (I know their pants look super short, I promise I don't let them wear high-waters, they were just sitting funny.)

I found this today at Hobby Lobby. I have been looking for something springy to symbolize the twins. I feel with this new season, they need something new also. I don't know where it will hang yet, but I am really thinking about Colton and Ethan's room. Colton is still having some hard evenings and I think if there was something like this in there, it might help a little. Plus, the message is a good one to remember.

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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Meet Snickers

This is our newest family member, Snickers. He is 4 months old and is a sheltie/whippet mix...aka Shippet. He comes from the Humane Society and was the last of his litter to be adopted.
He loves to watch tv.

And chew on his "baby."
He's a huge fan of Colton

And naps once in awhile....all on my couch.
He had taken over my couch. Although as of right now he is perched on my lap. He doesn't like being in a room alone just yet. He really likes soft, fluffy things. I even caught him in a basket of clean laundry while I was changing over laundry. He's a great puppy, and we all are completely in love with him already.
I am so excited to have this little guy. However, I wonder how spoiled he will be. He does add light to my heart. The hole left by losing my two babies feels a tiny bit (tiny, tiny bit) smaller. And for now, my intense desire to have another baby has been watered down slightly. More like I am able to be a little more patient in my waiting.

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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Missing Grandpa

This morning, a year ago, we received the call that my grandpa had passed away. It was one of those moments you always consider, but never want to imagine. He'd been on a health roller coaster since October. He was in the hospital for possible stroke and other health issues. They sent him home on hospice. In February he was doing so well they took him off hospice. The whole family was together on Valentine's Day of 2010 to celebrate him.

Grandpa was one I always looked up to. I wanted to make him proud. And my grandparents are the example I live up to for my marriage. They'd been married for 57 years when he passed, only 4 weeks before his 97th birthday. I remember thinking he would live to see 120.

I look at his passing now differently than I did when we first lost him. And it was soon after I lost the twins that I pictured him rocking them in his rocking chair. I also have memory of a brief moment at his service, picturing a similar scene. It was the smallest of moments.

My grandparents in 2006 at my wedding rehearsal. They showed the definition of love.

Grandpa holding Ethan Easter of 2008. I took this picture wanting to capture all the moments I could. I also have a video, but can't find it anywhere.

All the grandkids and great-grandkids (okay maybe half)

Grandpa serving up his rum punch. He is the best at making it.

My grandparents with me on my wedding day in 2006

I love and miss you, grandpa. Kiss my babies for me, please.

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PS I wrote this Thursday night so I could post it first thing. But Friday is the one year anniversary, please nevermind the date stamp at the top

Some ramblings

The past few days have been rather iffy. The clouds have beat out the sun and my tears have won over my blinks. I feel like I am on a teeter totter with my emotions. UP and DOWN, UP and DOWN. And Willy asks me all the time right now if I am okay. I tell him, "Yeah, I guess." And for the most part I am just that, okay.

I am sure all this is a mixture of things. The fact that I am quickly coming up on Lucas and Caleb's birthday, I am remembering the excitement from this time last year and wishing they were here. These days wouldn't hold the weight they do if my babies were here. The self-torture I put myself through reading the blog of a mom who has both her identical twin boys at home with her. I am happy for her family, her boys had a hard fight....and they won. I read about how blessed she feels, and I again, as I do often, what have I done to be walking down the other road. I have now vowed to no longer torture myself with knowing how they are doing. They are good and at home, that is what I prayed for for them. Now it's time for me to let go and spare my emotional well-being.

I am also doing a Bible Study on The Book of Ruth. I could probably write on this forever. The morning coffee dates with the Lord have been good for me. The pain comes from all the personal reflections. Each and every one brings me back to losing Lucas and Caleb. Most the time I am offered clarity, and I am grateful. I am reminded, though, how defining their short lives really are. And I am being forced to confront thoughts that used to be just fleeting. Thoughts and feelings that would rush in, and I would push away just as quickly. I didn't want to entertain them. Now that I have to, it's hard, but it's also freeing in a way. I am glad I've taken the oppurtunity to do this bible study. And I am kind of hooked, okay completely hooked.

And to be honest, I am battling my emotions about my sister's pregnancy. She is close to eight weeks, and most days I am over the top thrilled for her. She has had early losses, and really wants this baby. But there are a few days when I just don't want to think about it. Not that I'm not happy for her on those days, but that I'd rather not visit that place. And I feel bad about feeling that way once in awhile. She looks up to me, as a sister and a mom. I love being able to be there for her, I just wish my heart was always in it, not just 6 out of 7 days in the week.

So, after spilling all this out, I feel lighter and the sun is in full shine. I also would like to ask for prayers for my grandma. Tomorrow is the one day anniversary of my grandfather's passing. She is also preparing to start chemo for colon cancer next week. It's a hard month for her and she could use all the thoughts and prayers you are all so generous with.

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Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Fabulous Weekend

We went up to Washington to visit family and friends this past weekend. The trip was wonderful and jam-packed. We saw lots of people and had loads of fun. It was a much needed time to get away for awhile.

On Friday night, I met up with a high school friend, Chad. If you haven't read this post about his special gift to me from Austraila, check it out here. This is the sand from Mulaloo Beach, where Lucas and Caleb's names were written by the talented Carly. If you missed the pictures, check them out. Chad called me close to 11pm and we decided to meet at The Landing a little after 11. Seeing him for the first time in ten years was wonderful. Trying to catch up in an hour in a bar, a little harder. But we did it. And he handed me a bottle sand that has traveled through customs in 14 different countries. He also found on the beach that day three sandstones in a group. A large on and two smaller ones. Be still my heart.

To read more about his trip, here is an article a local paper did.

On Saturday we took the boys to The Mills mall. We were looking for something to do inside that wouldn't be PACKED!

This play area is to die for. I truly wish our mall had one of these. My boys are quickly outgrowing ours. The only downside is the difference in the kids up there. They weren't as friendly. Honestly. Ethan came over crying saying that no one wanted to be his friend. And he was right. All the kids seem to do their own thing and felt no need to play with each other.

Here is the other really cool thing. They had a train for the kids to ride on. It's big enough for parents, but we though the boys were old enough to ride by themselves around the play area. Plus is was $3 a person. So we watched it take off, and it didn't go went down a hallway. We were sure it would turn and come back down to us....wrong! I had to chase the train down in my 2.5" boots so my boys would be in my sight. Then they laughed at me for powerwalking to keep up. What an adventure.

Colton got to drive his first go-cart.

And climb his first tall rock wall.

Then we had pizza at Fortell's. Amazingly cheesy pizza!
Saturday night we met up with my best friend from high school, Michelle and her family at their place. The kids played til 11:30 and we visited. I love that even though we are 200 miles apart, our kids are still growing up together.
Sunday was also nice visiting with my mom and sisters and Gary. Colton played the Konnect some, but I'm not impressed with it. Then lunch with my Aunt and cousin, and off towards home with a pitstop at Mike and Dru's for dinner.
The weekend was really busy and my boys are still sleeping past 8, trying to get caught up on sleep. I'm feeling pretty good and really productive in my many aspects of my life right now. Just hope I can keep it that way.

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Friday, March 4, 2011

Sweet Dreaming

I have little time this morning, but wanted to get it down before I forgot, as I've forgotten alot of it already.

I dreamed of Lucas and Caleb last night. They were about 6 months old and sleeping in the bunkbeds. Lucas on top and Caleb on bottom. Lucas had been up for awhile and I went to check on Caleb as he'd been sleeping for quite awhile. When I went in, his body was cold and he was pale (much like when he was in my arms in the hospital) I started to sob and said, "Oh, Caleb." Then he opened his beautiful blue eyes and grinned at me (Ethan's grin by the way). I picked him up and held him so tightly, he nuzzled my shoulder and cheek. I then dressed both boys in their matching outfits. Willy walked up and I told him how Caleb had been cold and he told me that it was normal, "didn't I remember." That it was part of the TTTS effects and that he would grow out of it. And I had both babies in my arms, cooing and grinnng.

I wish I had more time to dig into this dream, I don't. But I plan on trying to after the weekend.

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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

9 Months

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Today is more like, "It's only been 9 months." instead of , "I can't believe it's already been 9 months." Several times last night and today I have thought it's been 10 months. I guess I'm feeling distant from the two of you. Not really sure what is bringing the change, and I really don't know how I feel about it.

Colton woke up this morning wanting to talk about the two of you. Of course we talked, and I cried. He knows the 1st of every month. Your brother is very insightful, and he almost always knows my heart. Ethan just sits and kind of listens when we talk about you. Both boys play with your monkeys often. It really warms my heart to see their love for you. Only wish it were you physically.

This month has been a roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs. I feel frustrated with it at times. I seem very suseptible to cloudy days. And we've had a number of them lately.

There's not a whole lot more to say today. I am missing you very much. I am ready to go back to more good days than bad. But I fear it may be like this until your birthday.

We love you so much, my babies.

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