You're here. I can't welcome you back, because you really haven't been missed. Maybe on some sort of sick level, where the guilt of not having you around, you have been missed. But all in all, I could do without you in my life. Or my family's for that matter. But since you are around, sit, have a drink or two. Bring the fresh tears that always seem to cleanse my heart. That leave me exhausted, yet ready to pick it all up and start over again. At least you don't just "pop" in anymore, you always ring first to let me know you are on your way. I have actually embraced our visit this time. It has given me some light on areas that were dark. Now it's time to think about leaving for awhile. One day of your presence is enough for me. I have children to love and attend to, friends and family who need me, and a life that I enjoy most days. I truly hope to wake tomorrow to find your footsteps leading away from me.
So craziness aside, I am beginning to feel better. I've been waiting for today. There are so many, many events that have brought all this on. I am grateful for taking the day off. My boys are still in their pajamas, I am in a sweatshirt that I haven't worn in 8+ weeks, and I've been honest with those who have asked in on me. I am tired, worn out and worn down.
I hate days like today. I feel selfish during these days. I feel like my time in this "world of grief" should be nearing the end. No one has said it, and I know other BLM's feel it also. And I don't honestly believe that is how it works. It's just a thought that pops in and out.
I'm tired now. Writing has brought on more tears. This whole post feels crazy. But it's thoughts that needed to be out, maybe shared. Sorry about the choppiness, that is kind of how my mind is working today. Bits and pieces, here and there. I can't stick with a thought longer than just a few minutes. It's kind of familiar, a lot like fresh grief.