Dreaming and Waking and Thinking and Crying

I had the scariest dream this morning.  It was so incredibly real, I woke up cold all over and in tears. 

~~ We were swimming at a pool and Simon was running from me.  I took off to catch him from the other direction and he didn't meet me.  He didn't meet me.  My heart started to race. I started to scream.  I was looking down at the water, not up.  I knew he fell in.  I saw him from across the pool at the bottom and I dove in screaming.  By the time I got to him,  a lifeguard was pulling him out.  But he wasn't doing CPR.  He was staring at him, shaking his cheeks.  Every few seconds Simon would almost draw a breath, then his head would fall to the side.  His eyes seemed to be screaming for help.  I was screaming at the lifeguard.~~

I woke up.

And cried.  

It took me some time to calm down and warm up enough to wake Willy for some support. I heard Simon talk in his sleep.  I went up to kiss him and came back to bed. I felt angry at this lifeguard, not understanding why he wasn't doing more to save my little boy.  Then I began to think of all the things we need to do to protect him.  He's full on two now.  He knows what he wants and is incredibly stubborn and determined to figure out a way to get it.  I can't keep him off the top bunk of the big boys' beds, doorknobs are no longer a deterrent for him.  And there's the pools and parks this spring and summer.  

Then I began to really think about the worst of it.  I don't want to, but I can imagine the pain of him not being here.  I can go there too quickly, and this time of year, it doesn't take a whole lot.  Losing Lucas and Caleb, my mind takes off to that awful place on its own. And then the floodgates open.  Thoughts, memories, tears, all take on a life of their own.  I have to hold on tight at the moment to the sound of Benjamin's monitor ticking, and the knowledge that Simon is in his bed, I just kissed his head, and he is safe right now.  And the sound of Colton and Ethan "walking" down the stairs.  

I've been spending more time in prayer lately.  This time of year usually brings me closer to God.  This morning was no different.  I feel His comfort and strength as I move through the day. I was able to get out of bed and go about normal snow day business.  And the boys have been able to move through their day without picking up on my pain.  The big boys know this time of year.  That's another post for another day.  How much I hate that they have to walk this also.

Surviving the Milestones

I thought I'd been doing really well this pregnancy.  The fear has been at a minimal since finishing the first trimester.  I've enjoyed this pregnancy with an underlying knowledge that horrible things happen, but it wasn't at the forefront of my mind every hour of every day.  I've enjoyed that so much!

24 week baby bump

Monday was 24 weeks for Mr. B.  It was such a sigh of relief, knowing if things started to go south, he'd have much more of a chance of surviving. Viability....24 weeks.  How little I knew about that before Lucas and Caleb were born. 24 weeks was just another week down til meeting our little men.  Know it's circled in bright red on the calendar.  The second big target date to reach. 

I was talking with Willy last weekend about how this week could be a tough one for me.  I remember I was a huge mess between 24 and 25 weeks with Simon. 

24 weeks, 1 day: water broke with Lucas and Caleb
24 weeks, 3 days: Lucas died
24 weeks, 4 days: Lucas and Caleb was born
24 weeks, 5 days: (Day one after birth) Caleb died.

That's a whole lot of scary moments to swim around in a short amount of time.  I breezed through Tuesday this week.  We spent the day at SDC as a family.  Wednesday was a great day for me.  And Wednesday night I was falling asleep, patting myself on the back for handling this week of pregnancy with Benjamin so well.  Fear hadn't crept in much at all, and I was enjoying my moments with him.

Then Thursday morning hit.  Benjamin didn't wake up with me as he ALWAYS does.  He was quiet through my shower and breakfast.  I had a regular prenatal visit scheduled, so I was trying to get ready for it.  But as the minutes passed by without feeling him moving around, I started to make plans.  How if I couldn't find his heartbeat with the Doppler after breakfast I would have to make plans for the kids so Willy could come with me to the dr.  How I would have to call my friend and let her know I wouldn't be picking up her son.  And the flashbacks began.  How much pain there was when Dr M looked at me and shook her head when she couldn't find Lucas' heartbeat.  And all I could do was pray.  Pray for the pain and fear to just go away.  Try and have faith that no matter what, we would be okay.  Fear is not of God, and I try to remember that in those dark moments.  I try to embrace it with all I have left.

I found Benjamin's heartbeat after breakfast.  It was quiet and slower than usual, but I felt confident it was there.  Knowing I would be seeing Dr L in less than hour, I finished getting ready and headed to the office on my own.  I talked with a close friend on the way there that helped to talk me down a little.  I have to say that it is so wonderful to have friends who "get" it, and don't think you are totally nuts at times like this.

My nurse, W, found his heartbeat.  150....not his normal.  She found it again. 150, his heartbeat was there.  He gave me a good jab while she was looking for it.  Happy with that.  Dr L measured me at 25 weeks, he's growing well.  And he was pretty active most of the day.  I could breathe a little easier.  But not entirely.

Here's the facts.  I know the pain of losing a child.  I know the reality of losing a child.  I know it can, and does, happen more than once.  And sometimes those facts play louder in my head than I would like.  Sometimes they're like a broken record, others I've succeed to push them far behind and have faith that Benjamin will be in my arms, crying in 15 short weeks.  The roller coaster ride of emotions that come with a subsequent pregnancy is tough.  This pregnancy has been easier, but there are still the tough moments.  In ways I miss the naïve moments of pregnancy I had with Colton and Ethan, but I honestly believe I wouldn't be able to truly embrace the moments, as I do now, that I have had with Simon and Benjamin.

2012: What a Great Year

Oh what a year 2012 has been.  This year brought us Simon.  We rediscovered hope.  I am sad to see the year end, almost.  It's a different sadness than it was 2 years ago.  I remember Lucas and Caleb's year, that New Year's Eve.  2010 ending meant their year was ending.  It was hard, I hit grief's brick wall that day unexpectedly.  This year has just been so great to our family. 

 

 

 January we found out we were expecting Cinco, our fifth baby.

 February brought fear as I began spotting and we didn't see a baby on the ultrasound. (Picture not actual picture, but very similar)

 

But a few weeks later, here is our Cinco!  His heart was beating and the tears flowed.

 

In March we took the boys to the circus.  I was able to muster up the energy to enjoy the night. 

 

April was Colton's 6th birthday and 18 weeks pregnant!

In May we learned Cinco was Simon.  What an amazing appointment that day.  We also learned Simon would be here a week sooner than we had been planning.  Whoo hoo!

 

I conquered my fear of buying these in May also.

 

In June we remembered Lucas and Caleb on their 2nd birthday.  The day was a good one, and there was more happy than sad.  

In July we celebrated the fourth with good friends. Twice!

 

 

August saw a crazy heat wave, but we toughed it out to take the boys fishing.

We also went and saw Monster Trucks in July!  That was such a blast!

 

Colton started first grade in August

 

35 weeks pregnant!

 

And my amazing friends threw my baby shower.  What a fabulously perfect day!

September found me 38 weeks pregnant.

And Ethan's first day of Pre-K

 And after 2 false labor trips, my baby Simon was born.  Healthy and Alive. 

 

October was Halloween with my three boys.

 

And who can forget the flood in our house.  Not to mention the 5 day hotel stay with a 4 week old.

November brought house construction, a HUGE Thanksgiving feast with 20 people, and Simon's first bubbly smile.

 

December came quickly. 

Our family.  3 boys here on Earth, and my heavenly babies symbolized by their pin on my chest.

 

It has truly been a tremendous year.  I have grown so much in so many ways.  My faith, by leaps and bounds, as my pregnancy with Simon tested it to it's very core at times.  I am grateful for everyday of 2012.  2013 will be interesting, and I am ready to take it on!

First Trip to L&D

On Friday, September 7th, we made our first trip to Labor and Delivery.

 

I was with Dru and we were on our way to a Scentsy party in Lebanon. (about 45 miles away from home).  A storm was rolling in as we were leaving and we figured we would just stay ahead of it.  As we were approaching Conway (30 miles or so) we heard on the radio about a tornado warning in the area we were in.  To the north of us we could see the wall cloud.  It was approaching the highway quickly just in front of us. 

 

I could see a slight rotation in the cloud itself, but nothing quite yet.  I said a prayer for safety and we drove with the idea of getting off at the Conway exit to safety.  About 1 mile from the exit, the funnel cloud started to form.  There are very few moments when I have been that terrified.  It was honestly less than 100 yards away.  It was very possible it would meet us on the highway. I prayed and prayed for it to stop.  All I could think about was being almost 38 weeks pregnant, on the highway, with a tornado trying to form.  After a few seconds (though it seemed much longer) it began to disappear.  And I started to contract.

 

Not the one we saw, but close.  Only it didn't make it that far towards the ground

 

We pulled off in Conway and stopped at a gas station.  There were 3 paramedics inside waiting out the storm also.  I sat down and tried my best to relax.  Every once in awhile one of the paramedics would look my way and maybe ask if I was doing okay.  I was trying really hard to keep calm.  But the contractions kept up.  I kept telling Simon that this wasn't the time to make his grand entrance into this world, but it would also be true to his nature. 

 

After 25 minutes or so of complete denial, I realized they were 2-3 minutes apart and getting stronger.  I told Dru I really thought it was time to head back to Springfield and to the hospital.  We checked the radar and off we went.  The contractions kept up the entire time.  I wasn't in agonizing pain, it was really more pressure than pain. 

 

I tried to call Willy to let him know the plans.  Mike was picking up my van from their house and was going to take it to Willy so he could meet us at the hospital.  Well, our phone was out due to the same storm.  Luckily I was able to reach Kristan, who woke up her son, packed up her boys and headed to my house so I could let Willy know what was going on.

 

I got to Labor and Delivery about 6:30pm.  When they hooked me up I was contracting 2-3 minutes apart.  When she checked me, I was dilated to a 1 (I was fully closed and thick on Wed) and she could feel his head "right there".  We decided I'd walk for an hour and see what kind of progress was made.  It was almost 9:00 when she checked me again.  No more progress had been made, but I was contracting every minute and a half, and they were becoming painful.  We decided to hang out another hour while I rested and see if any changes could happen.  At 10:00 I was checked again, and there was still no progress.  The Dr thought it best to go home for a few hours to labor.  She was sure I'd be back around 3:00am with my water broke and dilated to a 4-5. 

 

Once home, the contractions continued.  About midnight I hopped in the shower to relax a little.  Around 1:00am or so the contractions began to slow down, and they were gone enough for me to sleep by 2:30am.  Bummer!

 

***How was being back at Labor and Delivery?***

The nurse and on call doctor (Dr. D) were both incredibly compassionate.  I really hadn't thought about having to go into detail about Lucas and Caleb.  She was so sympathetic as I gave her necessary details.  We also had to discuss the details of the VBAC and the differences there. 

 

Walking the halls was different.  Lucas and Caleb's pregnancy was the only pregnancy when I didn't have to walk the halls.  But with each lap, I had to pass the rooms they passed away in.  They were empty, so there were no sounds coming from them, but I still found the rooms themselves daunting.  My boys spent their last living moments in those rooms. 

 

The true realization of Simon really being on his way came to me during these moments also.  Those who have had their rainbow babies understand, I know.  I know Simon will be here any day.  But really knowing it, really being able to wrap my mind around it is different.  There was excitement, anxiety, and a little fear in there.  And I do have anxiety about the VBAC.  So many thoughts raced through my head as I took each step through those hallways.  It still seemed surreal at moments.  Then they sent me home where it all stopped.

 

I realized today I will most likely have to go through all the details surrounding Lucas and Caleb's birth  again when I go back in.  I find it frustrating.  A part of me is already reliving those moments as I walk through those doors.  And as I explain to the admitting nurse their story, it all just floods back to me.  Grief for them battles with the excitement for Simon.  And I haven't been admitted  yet.  How is it going to be when I am in a Labor and Delivery room, truly laboring my way towards delivery.  How I am going to handle it if we have to have a c-section?  I can already imagine the flashbacks I will have as they wheel me down the hall towards the O.R. 

 

I am working on finding peace with Simon's upcoming delivery.  I have peace with having a c-section if that is what is needed.  It's the emotional part that has me flustered.  And I fear that my anxiety and grief for my baby boys might overshadow the amazingness of the miracle of Simon's birth.  I've been praying for needed peace.  I have my favorite worship songs on my iPod.  What other ideas do some of you have who have been down this road?



36 Weeks (9 months)

No more than 4 weeks left until I am holding my baby boy in my arms!  What a wonderful thought!

 

Simon size:  18.5 inches 6 lbs or so

 

Weight gain: 30 lbs

 

Symptoms: Everything you can have at 36 weeks.  I feel like a definite 36 week pregnant woman.

 

How I feel:  Pretty good in general.  I am tired and sore, but not like I was at this point with Colton.

 

Cravings: Sweet stuff.  And KFC chicken and cole slaw.

 

Best Part of Last Week:  Where to begin...2 baby showers and NST

 

Looking forward to: Shopping with Dru this weekend!!!!!

 

Let's see here....

 

We had our baby shower on Saturday!  Loved it, loved it!  There is a post that will be separate all about it.  Way too much to write and keep you here.  But I have to say I am blessed with the most amazing friends and family! I cannot wait to tell Simon all about all the love!  Will quit here before I get carried away....I plan on posting about the shower in detail tomorrow!

 

Monday was Ethan's first day of Pre-K.  Another separate posts with pictures.  He was so excited to go back to school!!

 

Monday was my 36 weeks appointment.  Weekly appointments now.  It is so hard to believe we are at this point.  It seems surreal a lot of the time.  Simon is measuring back on track.  Silly boy really grows in spurts.  Dr. L. checked me since we've been having regular contractions for a couple of weeks now.  Much to every one's surprise I haven't begun to dilate yet.  Huh?  Guess he's in there for a bit longer.  When she asked about Simon moving, I mentioned he had been sluggish.  She asked if he was moving enough for me to be reassured and I answered with yes.  She left to get the paperwork and said she'd be right back.

 

I sat there and thought about it.  I felt like I really may not be reassured by his movements.  That this might be our chance if something is wrong to find it.  What if something was wrong, and I didn't speak up?  What if we lost him, and I could have known and didn't say anything. I would live with that forever.  And why in the world do I have to have these thoughts running through my head.  The doubt.  So when she came back in, I told her maybe I wasn't feeling so good about it all.  She said she understood, and that we'd get me hooked up.

 

She sent me down the hall to the NST room.  The nurse came in, laid me in super comfy recliner, and hooked me up.  We talked about why I was there.  When I explained about my heightened anxiety due to losing Lucas and Caleb, she said she completely understood.  Dr. L. came in after about 5 minutes to see how things were going.  I have to say I am so grateful for having the doctors and nurses I have.  They truly care about Simon and I, and they show it.  Simon passed the NST.  Dr. L. said we couldn't ask for a more perfect score! And I feel the best emotionally that I have felt in weeks.

 

On Tuesday, I was all set to stay home in pj pants and a tank top.  I was going to finish getting ready for Simon and enjoy a day at home.  Willy called and BEGGED me to have lunch with him.  I told him I really wanted to stay home.  After some coaxing, I gave in and headed over there.  The girls in his office threw a surprise baby shower for us! How very wonderful!  I was so surprised and excited.  They are really wonderful, and again, I just feel so blessed.  We had a great time, and they bought some wonderful gifts for Simon and I.  Not to mention HUGE chocolate bars for Colton and Ethan.

 

Well, here are some pictures from last week!



 

 

Kristan and Tina.  They threw the shower for us!  I truly love these two women.  A girl couldn't ask for better friends.  I could go on and on, but another post.  Remember?

 

 The shoes I wore!  I paid $1.50 for them in July and had to have them for the shower.  I love them, and others seemed to enjoy taking pictures of them.

36 weeks belly shot.  

The corner above the changing table.  Love how it came together.

Simon's bag is packed.  Notice the pair of shoes peeking out.  hehe

36 weeks with Simon

 

36 weeks with Colton

36 weeks with Ethan

 

24 weeks with Lucas and Caleb.  I miss them, but know they are ever so close as Simon's arrival draws nearer.

Have a great week! I will post about the shower soon, I promise!!

23 Weeks

This weekly post is different.  Lucas and Caleb's birthday (wow, just typing that brings on the tears) is just 2 days away.  It's just different.

I am excited to be at 23 weeks.  Simon is active as ever, it's as if he knows I need to know he is there, alive and spunky.  I feel good physically, and that heat isn't totally wiping me out yet.

But this week is hard.  I've felt strong emotionally up until the past few days.  Grief has crept in ever so slowly.  And today, whew, I'm already exhausted from it.  My heart hurts.  Every little pain, or too long without movement from Simon sends me into panic mode.  I am replaying those days in the hospital over and over again.  Who was there, what we talked about, how I felt.  I remember watching each hour passing, as we neared the next steroid shot and 48 hour mark.  I remember how positive I felt that it was all going to be okay.  I remember not yet being a part of this babyloss community.  (Although I love each and every one of you!)

There's a lot of pain, hurt right now.  And there is alot of fear.  I think that is the main difference between last year and this year.  Last year I grieved all we had lost and all we had been through.  This year I am missing them, but I am also so afraid we are going to lose Simon.  I am sure the time lines being so similar has tons to do with that. 

Last night about 1:30am, I woke up to a sharp pain in my right side.  I rolled over, trying to see if it would go away.  The pain was stabbing, and would only last a few seconds.  But then it would come back a few minutes later.  For some reason, Simon would kick that spot right after the pain hit. (Thank you baby boy for letting me know you were there)  I came downstairs to see if sitting up would help any.  All I could think about was what would they do if something was wrong?  I am not quite 24 weeks, so would they try and keep me pregnant until then?  Or if they had to take Simon, would they try to keep him alive, or apologize and bow their heads?  Then anger crept in.  These thoughts, these fears shouldn't be running through my mind.  I shouldn't know the reality of it all.  And I began to grieve the idea of a blissful pregnancy.

When I woke up this morning, I knew today wasn't going to be easy.  I tried to shake it off and headed downstairs.  I guess Lucas and Caleb knew also, as their light was on.  Normally it makes me smile, but today it brought on the tears. 

With all of this, I am feeling like a not so great momma.  Colton and Ethan are playing upstairs, quietly and together.  And I just don't feel I have it in me to embrace being their momma today.  I am grateful they have each other to play with.  I just feel guilty for not wanting to join in on their fun.

I'm spent.

We're Here!!!!

I sure wish I could do cartwheels right about now!  I am just so excited about making it to the second trimester.  There were honestly times when I thought Cinco and I wouldn't get here.  I am just elated to make it this far.  And all the love, prayers, and support Cinco and I have received the past 9 weeks is just, well WOW!  Thank you, friends and family.  I am looking forward to the next 27 (most likely) weeks and I know that with all of you by my side, that we'll do this.

This all being written,  also want to share the other feelings I have about making it to this point.  I don't feel the absolute positivity I have felt after reaching this point during my previous pregnancies.  I somewhat miss that feeling.  The "everything is okay now, we'll be holding our baby in 6 months" feeling.  I know that what happened with Lucas and Caleb won't happen this time, but I am also aware of the hundreds, maybe thousands of other things that can go wrong still.

Even though I really don't keep updated on new losses, (I actually avoid them right now) I can't forget what I know, what I have learned.  I truly understand what a miracle each and every baby born is.  I often think back to my 5 week ultrasound, when all we saw was a black hole.  There was nothing in there to indicate Cinco was beginning to grow.  And then two weeks later when we saw Cinco and a little heart beating.  How amazing!!!! 

I'll go back to weekly update format next week.  Last week was a good week.  I am definitely feeling second trimester pregnant more than first.  Although I haven't had that ah-ha moment when I realize my energy is fully back.  I do feel really good for the most part, though. I am looking forward to May when we find out if we'll be finally buying some pink and purple, or finding some more blue and green.  Either way, I will be thrilled just to know everything with Cinco is great!

Going Through the Motions

Yesterday was my OB interview.  The appointment when you go in, discuss insurance, medical history, and they take several vials of blood.  This is the fourth OBi we've been to.  Always I have been bubbling over with excitement as they said, "Congratulations!"  This time not so much.  It was more like, "Thanks, we're excited." in a almost there kind of tone.

My heart is guarded.  Heavily armored, guarded.  I don't feel the excitement I did the first week.  I know some of this is the all-day-long nausea that has found its way in, but I also know some of it is fear.  I'm afraid of my heart breaking all over again.  Just as soon as I am feeling more confident about this pregnancy, I start to spot a little. Just enough to dampen my hopes some.

I feel like I am just going through the motions of this pregnancy.  I'm just not convinced that we will get to keep this baby.  I want this baby, Baby Cinco, so very bad.  And right now I am so grateful for every single unpleasent symptom. They all tell me that my levels are increasing, which means there is most likely a baby growing in there.  But the doubt creeps in every once in awhile.

We have another ultrasound on Wednesday.  I can't believe it's almost been two weeks.  I'll be 7 weeks 3 days by their count.  That means that I should walk away with more definite knowledge.  Either way there will be tears.  And either way I will be ready for the news.

Harder Than I Imagined

Wow, yesterday was awful.  I woke up with a slap in the face by grief and then more spotting.  The tears followed, the fear of everything ending came flooding in.  I called my dr as instructed the day before and waited for the call back.  When my nurse called me back, she offered an ultrasound to check things out.  She asked if it would make me feel better, and I honestly answered with, "I don't know."  She said it might and scheduled one for 1:00.

Then I cried some more.  I was terrified of going in and seeing that something was wrong.  I was terrified of finding out that the baby had died already, or that there was an ectopic pregnancy, or just any of the stories I know about.  And grief just compounded it all.

Well, I went in, they turned on the screen, and we saw a sac.  No baby.  I panicked.  The ultrasound tech was quiet and started measuring.  She then said in a reassuring tone, not to worry.  I was measuring 5w3d, and at that gestation, a sac is all you'll see.  I did the math, that's 5 days difference in my dating.  So I began to fear again. What if the baby quit growing at 5w3d and that is why I am measuring this?  What if it's a blighted ovum?  What if, what if, what if???  She continued to take pictures and measurements and sound reassuring.  When she finished, I waiting for my nurse, W. 

W came and got me and gave me a hug.  We talked, she tried to make me feel better and said all could still be okay.  Dr. L came in and we went over it all.  She was honest about what we saw and tried to come up with everything she could to reassure me that everything could be okay.  She also gave me the rundown of what could be going on and diagnosed my spotting as threatened miscarriage.  She said we really need to wait two more weeks for another scan to get me over the 7 week mark.  So wait I will do.

I feel better about things today.  Grief made it's exit and I am feeling like things are going to be okay.  I know that the u/s measurements and dating could make some other things with the pregnancy make sense, so that is what I am going with.  I knew this pregnancy was going to be tough at times, but I really had no idea it would be like this.  I don't think anyone can ever be prepared for a subsequent pregnancy and all that comes with it, especially one that starts off on a bumpy road.  This is hard, but it's another journey I must walk.  But it makes me miss my little boys that much more.

This isn't my u/s pic, but it is exactly what I saw yesterday.  It was very reassuring to find this, though.

The Best Number

568

That is my HCG level as of this morning.  Yesterday's was 390.  The goal is for it to double every 48 hours.  568 is just under half of double, which is what we were looking for.  It means Baby Cinco is growing and healthy.  After two days of spotting and complete fear, I have relief.  I know she/he is doing well and there is little to worry about when it comes to the spotting.

I cannot put into words the fear I have felt since seeing the first blood on Sunday morning.  My heart was crushed instantly.  I went through all the stages of grief within a few hours.  I put myself on the couch and waited to see what and how it was happening.

I called my Dr L first thing Monday morning only to learn she was out for the week, along with my nurse W.  The nurse I talked to hadn't seen my chart and was a ltitle hateful.  She sent me to Urgent Care for a Beta-HCG test.

There I met Dr. V.  This woman is AMAZING!!!!  We went through the basic questions and she asked about previous pregnancies.  I told her about Lucas and Caleb and there were tears from both her and I.  She then shared that she is 12 weeks pregnant and apologized for losing her composure.  I assured her it was okay.  At that point she put her charts down and asked to pray for me.  I was shocked.  Most doctors won't act on this, but she did.  And I was/am grateful.

After all this, I feel better about everything.  I am now on complete pelvic rest with light duty orders.  Willy is absolutely wonderful, helping out a ton.  He also bought Baby Cinco a froggie toy the other night.

We will be telling other people over the next couple of days.  We feel that after the blood tests that things are in a good spot to be sharing with those closer to us.  I hope to post an announcement post on the main blog soon.  At that point I will import these posts to it as well.  

Excitement!

Baby Cinco,

I cannot, CANNOT, describe the excitement that is felt by so many people.  I am so in love with you already!  We told grandma today.  She cried.  Like really cried super happy tears.  You are a very much wanted baby.   Some day I will try to get a picture of how we told her.  Just know for now, that it was our best form of pregnancy announcement yet.  YAY!

I had a short time of fear and doubt this morning.  It just crept in so quickly and I couldn't fight it off. After talking with Dana for a few minutes, I felt better.  Just think I needed to get the fears out in the open and let some tears fall.  This could be a hard journey, but I am so ready for it.

I have also decided to quit using Google to search for things.  Nothing good can really come from it.  Better off leaving it to God.  I am trying so hard to completely trust Him, but not quite there.  It's hard to let go of the need to try and control it all.

Just a few more days until I can get in for my beta testing.  Whoot whoot!!