Going Through the Motions

Yesterday was my OB interview.  The appointment when you go in, discuss insurance, medical history, and they take several vials of blood.  This is the fourth OBi we've been to.  Always I have been bubbling over with excitement as they said, "Congratulations!"  This time not so much.  It was more like, "Thanks, we're excited." in a almost there kind of tone.

My heart is guarded.  Heavily armored, guarded.  I don't feel the excitement I did the first week.  I know some of this is the all-day-long nausea that has found its way in, but I also know some of it is fear.  I'm afraid of my heart breaking all over again.  Just as soon as I am feeling more confident about this pregnancy, I start to spot a little. Just enough to dampen my hopes some.

I feel like I am just going through the motions of this pregnancy.  I'm just not convinced that we will get to keep this baby.  I want this baby, Baby Cinco, so very bad.  And right now I am so grateful for every single unpleasent symptom. They all tell me that my levels are increasing, which means there is most likely a baby growing in there.  But the doubt creeps in every once in awhile.

We have another ultrasound on Wednesday.  I can't believe it's almost been two weeks.  I'll be 7 weeks 3 days by their count.  That means that I should walk away with more definite knowledge.  Either way there will be tears.  And either way I will be ready for the news.