Harder Than I Imagined

Wow, yesterday was awful.  I woke up with a slap in the face by grief and then more spotting.  The tears followed, the fear of everything ending came flooding in.  I called my dr as instructed the day before and waited for the call back.  When my nurse called me back, she offered an ultrasound to check things out.  She asked if it would make me feel better, and I honestly answered with, "I don't know."  She said it might and scheduled one for 1:00.

Then I cried some more.  I was terrified of going in and seeing that something was wrong.  I was terrified of finding out that the baby had died already, or that there was an ectopic pregnancy, or just any of the stories I know about.  And grief just compounded it all.

Well, I went in, they turned on the screen, and we saw a sac.  No baby.  I panicked.  The ultrasound tech was quiet and started measuring.  She then said in a reassuring tone, not to worry.  I was measuring 5w3d, and at that gestation, a sac is all you'll see.  I did the math, that's 5 days difference in my dating.  So I began to fear again. What if the baby quit growing at 5w3d and that is why I am measuring this?  What if it's a blighted ovum?  What if, what if, what if???  She continued to take pictures and measurements and sound reassuring.  When she finished, I waiting for my nurse, W. 

W came and got me and gave me a hug.  We talked, she tried to make me feel better and said all could still be okay.  Dr. L came in and we went over it all.  She was honest about what we saw and tried to come up with everything she could to reassure me that everything could be okay.  She also gave me the rundown of what could be going on and diagnosed my spotting as threatened miscarriage.  She said we really need to wait two more weeks for another scan to get me over the 7 week mark.  So wait I will do.

I feel better about things today.  Grief made it's exit and I am feeling like things are going to be okay.  I know that the u/s measurements and dating could make some other things with the pregnancy make sense, so that is what I am going with.  I knew this pregnancy was going to be tough at times, but I really had no idea it would be like this.  I don't think anyone can ever be prepared for a subsequent pregnancy and all that comes with it, especially one that starts off on a bumpy road.  This is hard, but it's another journey I must walk.  But it makes me miss my little boys that much more.

This isn't my u/s pic, but it is exactly what I saw yesterday.  It was very reassuring to find this, though.