3,653 Days, 120 months, 10 Years, 1 decade

Numbers are amazing!  You can create different emotions by using different numbers that all mean the same thing.  10 years.  Wow, how in the world has it been a whole 10 years? 10 years seems more than 120 months, and more than 3,653 days.  I guess maybe it's the gravity of the words.  Decade, year, month, days, hours, minutes.  But no matter what you are using to measure the time, it still has the ability to hurt as much, as raw, as it did on day one.

Happy 10th Birthday to my sweet baby boys, Lucas and Caleb. Oh how you are missed by so many.  Our days are busy with the other four boys.  And the world is a very crazy place right now.  I never would have thought that your month, that has for the past ten years been your month, be so full of unease and unknown.  While it has kept my mind preoccupied, your memory still weaves in and out of my thoughts throughout the days.  What would it have been like trying to distance learn with six boys instead of just the four?  Ugh, five chrome books in this house... Would there be more noise, more distractions? Would two more boys in the house meant more fighting or more options for grouping off in fun?

I have learned so much through this journey.  I have striven to make your deaths more than a tragic event.  You have shaped me to be the mom that I am, the woman that I am, and the friend that I am.  I am grateful for everyone who has stood by me these past ten years as I've continued to navigate my way through this.  All the babyloss moms in the first couple of years that I stood with to help bring to light that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss.  What a community we formed as we grieved our babies and then had our rainbow babies.  You will all have such a special place in my heart. And the work we all put in to form this amazing community.  It was for you, Lucas and Caleb.  And for their babies.  And all the babies that have been and will be gone too soon.  It is for their mommas who are learning to find their way through the fog and into the sunlight.  

I want to also talk about my faith and trust in God.  I remember so vividly lying there in the hospital bed, knowing I had to make the choice. Was I going to give in and trust that God had this all along, or was I going to be angry and believe that the universe just had it out for me.  It was only a moment, but I believe it defined all the moments since.  I am grateful for all who surrounded me and encouraged me to feel all the emotions even when it meant being angry.  I'll never forget being told, "It's okay to be angry at God,  you just can't stay angry."  Wow, still very powerful words that stick with me.  I chose to look at everything and everyone God placed in my life in the months leading up to your birth so that I would make it through intact.  And the people who I've crossed paths with or shared your story with in perfect timing.  I am grateful I made the choice I made in that single moment.

So here we are.  Ten years out.  It's been an incredible journey and will continue to be so.  Your short lives will continue to impact others for years to come, decades really.  I embrace the hard moments when I miss you intensely because it makes you feel close.  And the moments in between are ones I enjoy being surrounded by four boys who bring love and chaos to my life.  Your hole will always be there.  Sometimes it's huge and can't be missed, sometimes it just a slight crack in the middle.  We've all felt it, we all talk about the two of you in those moments.  

Happy Birthday sweet boys.  You are loved.  You are missed.