Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Reality TV

I've had this thought for awhile that I have wanted to share, but haven't been quite sure where it fit. Is it it's own entry or does it tie into other parts of our story? Well, I need to share it and I'm having a hard time tying it into other thoughts, so here it is alone, by itself.

When I was pregnant with Ethan I would watch Roseanne re-runs every morning for an hour. It would be during Colton's morning nap when I had a hard time sleeping. There was a specific episode that really touched me. I hated at the time that I had watched it, and ever so grateful now that I had sat it through until the end. It is the episode where Darlene goes into pre-mature labor and delivers her baby girl way too early.

I don't remember how far along Darlene was when she gave birth, but I remember the doctor's giving her little baby girl very little hope. The part that always stuck with me is when Darlene decided to let the doctor's unhook her baby girl from all the life support. The family stood in a circle. They each took a turn holding her baby girl and talking to her, showering her with love. I remember how serene she looked, how tiny and fragile she was. I remember my heart breaking as I watched the episode until I just couldn't anymore. I didn't know if she had lived. I felt better at the time not knowing how it ended.

That particular episode always sat in the back of my memory. It would randomly pop up on its own. I never knew why it stuck with me so much, and I never really wondered whether or not her baby girl survived. Not until writing this did I even bother to check. And I am grateful, in my new warped way, that I never did.

The night Dr. E came in to inform us that Caleb was just too small and too much had gone wrong, that episode came exploding back to me. I pictured everyone standing around and how peaceful it all was. When Dr. E asked if we wanted Caleb brought to the room, or if we wanted to come to the NICU, I knew we wanted Caleb in my room, with all our family all around the three of us. There was no question in my mind. That is the way it had to be.

Throughout the entire 2 hours that we watched and loved Caleb as a family, the episode would replay in my mind. As I lay in the bed and held him, our family members took turns standing next to Willy, Caleb, and I. They all shared their love with us through tears, words, and by just being there. The love and strength that was in that room that night was amazing. I will always treasure that time we all had together, with my baby boys Caleb and Lucas.

Since losing Lucas and Caleb, that episode still pops up here and there. Usually around 2:30am when I am having a hard time getting back to sleep. I am hoping that in writing this and getting it out there, that it can leave me alone for awhile. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that I watched this episode three years ago, and that it made a lasting impression. But it's time has passed, it has finished it's duty.


  1. This made me cry today. Not sure what to say other than I remember that episode and how heartbreaking it was. Only saw it once so it wasn't something that stuck with me at the time as it was well before having children. I will say that you are so blessed to have so many loved ones around you and your boys. I wish we could have had that as well. I wish my mom could have met her Granddaughters. Sending love to you. Oh, I love your pic for yesterday. Stargazers are my favorite, very favorite. Love you! Rhonda

  2. Your loving husband. Y'know... Willy, the bald guy. ;-)July 8, 2010 at 9:52 AM

    Just wanted to remind you that I love you and support you! Even if you are still a little crazy. But like the Waylon Jennings song goes "I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane!"


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