Yesterday was a hard day...and it shouldn't have been. It wouldn't have been under normal circumstances. You know, if only we hadn't lost Caleb and Lucas. I have jumped back and forth about writing this. The friend I am referencing in this post will probably read this also. And I want her to know that I love her so much. And I am honestly thrilled for her. I just need to share this and how I feel with the rest of the community. I know I'm not alone in how I feel.
I have been doing really well over the past couple of weeks. I have been able to see pregnant women, be around most babies, and even some twins without crying and running away. A smile even pops up once in awhile. A distant friend even announced her pregnancy early last week on facebook and I sent her congrats. I thought I was headed in the right direction.
Then yesterday I ran into a brick wall. One of those that you can't get around. It stops you in your tracks, and hard. A close friend whom I've know for over three years told me she was pregnant. She sent me an e-mail because we just couldn't seem to be able to get together. I read the words, "I'm pregnant" and the tears just poured out. I couldn't explain it. I really felt excited for her. But all the pain I felt 6 long weeks ago came flying back. It was the raw pain. I felt all that hurt all over again. It seemed so fresh. And the thought came....I really lost my boys. How did all this happen?
I hated myself for how I felt. I hated my reaction. I hated that at a time when I should be jumping with joy, I was crying hysterically almost to the point of hyperventilating. I honestly haven't cried that hard in weeks. And I didn't get it. How could I be around other friend's who are pregnant? But I just couldn't handle this friend announcing hers. And now I think I might understand. Her being pregnant means this is all real. We had talked so many times about trying last fall. She was still on the fence when Willy and I decided it was time. And now she is pregnant and I am not. I was, but now I'm not. I lost Caleb and Lucas. And I pray with all I have that her pregnancy has a better end. I pray that she brings home her healthy baby early next year. And I guess this is just one of those steps we all as babylost parents have to take as we heal and learn to cope.
And I feel better today. I slept well last night and now I can look how I feel. Excited and thrilled for her. Colton and Ethan will have another playmate. Her son will get to be a big brother. And he'll be a great one.