Sunday, July 4, 2010

I shouldn't be wearing you!

This morning I was able to put on a pair of shorts from last summer. I know to many women out there this would be a cause for celebration, but for me it was a cause for tears. You see this was the last physical reminder I had of my pregnancy with the twins. The last physical reminder that they really were here. Add on the pain that I should be wearing XL maternity shorts right now, it really kind of sucks!

Those first few weeks I had tons of reminders. The pain of my milk coming in really sucked. And I didn't realize the bittersweetness of it all until after it was gone. I hated having to go through that without having Caleb and Lucas here to make it worth it. But it also reminded me of the realness of it all. Same with my incision area. The pain was excruciating!!! And I really would not have minded it so much if I had my babies in my arms. Now that it really doesn't hurt so much and it is actually fading, I feel back to "normal". And I don't want normal. Not without my two baby boys alive and with me.

I have lost the 37 of the 40 pounds I gained with the twins. And although the weight is in different areas than before, it's almost gone. And I would do anything to be up 50 lbs right about now with the twins. Every time I see maternity clothes, it makes me sad. Not the crying hysterically sad anymore, just plain sad. But then when I put on my pre-maternity shorts, it also makes me sad. I shouldn't be wearing them right now or for the next 6 months or so. As a matter of fact, most of my pre-maternity shorts are in storage where they should stay until next summer. Another sad trip I will have to make.

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