My body seems to have a knack for being pregnant in the spring. Turkey makes #4 pregnancy due between September and November. Before Lucas and Caleb, springtime pregnancy was no big deal. But now it's tough. Spring arriving means their birthday is around the corner. May is creeping up quickly and with a roar this year.
This time of year, they are so close to the surface of my heart and mind. I think about them throughout the day, most days. I'm not so graceful when I answer questions about my current pregnancy this time of year. The questions about this is what number of pregnancies, or how many kids have you had. Three boys at home, you might still get that girl. I just want to put my hands on my hips and say, "I've had FIVE boys." And most months throughout the year, I only wish to say it, but in April and May, I most likely am saying something along those lines. I've informed so many people the last week or so who ask how my fourth pregnancy is going that this is actually my fifth. I often let them know it's my fifth, and that it's tough this time. Then afterwards, I feel a little guilty for not filtering my words and just letting theirs slide by.
And there is always the age gap question. Why so many years between your first two and Simon and this one? I try to dance gently around it most the time, but lately I share my two baby boys with whoever is asking. I grip their necklace (which I wear most days throughout the spring) and explain to them we lost two baby boys four years ago. And I always feel like I've ruined their day or something. But being emotional and getting into grief season, I just let it all pour out.
We've already received some looks and comments when people notice we're having our "fourth" child. I often want to add to their shock by telling them baby is actually number six. And if it's a random stranger in the store who asks me if Lil Turkey is number two, I find my self saying number six. Because Lucas and Caleb were here, they count, their pregnancy mattered. It took it's own toll on my body as have the other pregnancies.
So there's my sharing for the week. I'm not planning on weekly updates this time around, but maybe on even or odd weeks, or just when I find the time to share. I am sure more posts over the next couple of months will deal with grief, though I am really trying to focus on the joy of this life growing inside of me. I am so grateful for this little one.