Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Happy and Sad

I meant to write this Sunday, but time got away from me.  But I really want to share this paradox of feelings that really sent me reeling Sunday afternoon.  I know hormones play a part of it, grief a larger part, tomorrow being May 1st a larger one still.

I woke up Saturday morning feeling truly happy for the first time in weeks.  My heart felt light, I felt happy pregnant.  Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly excited to be pregnant, but I have been feeling awful these past several weeks.  I just haven't felt myself, and even though I pulled gratefulness out of each symptom, I was irritable and moody.  But Saturday morning, I felt good.  I told Willy I was happy, wished him good morning.  He welcomed me back.

The joyful lightness of it all continued through the day.  I felt that "glow" wash over me.  I felt happy pregnant.  I was so excited for this familiar emotion that I had been longing for.  We had a wonderful day and amazing evening with friends.  And I woke up Sunday morning feeling just as great.  I was excited to be heading to church for the first time in three weeks.

Our church has greeters at the door when you walk in.  They always welcome you with a smile, hand you notes for the day, and on the last weekend of the month, there is a calendar for the following month.  I was hurried in following three boys who were excited to be there and didn't have a chance to grab the calendar.  I spent time visiting with my church family.  Then headed into worship with Colton.

In middle of the first song I noticed the May calendar sitting in the chair in front of me.  And there it was.  Mother's Day.  Then Memorial Day.  Grief came flooding in.  Raw pain began to tear my heart.  May is tough.  I've felt it's impending arrival for a while now.  But here it was in black and white.  No denying it.  The fourth Mother's Day without two of my children to give me a card with their growing handprints.  The knowledge of the build-up to a holiday weekend where flashbacks will race through my mind at every turn.  How did May get here so incredibly fast?

Then there was this battle between happiness and grief.  Being elated for the life growing inside of me right now, and the sadness for the two lives that were too short.  I came home and had one of those really hard cries.  The type that shakes your whole body.  I told Willy how I was so happy for Lil' Turkey, but so incredibly sad for Lucas and Caleb.  How something so light as a piece of paper was causing so much heaviness on my heart.  We stood there in the kitchen and just held each other, as we have done so many times throughout this journey. 

After the flood of emotions, I was left tired and confused.  To feel the two emotions at the same time is rough.  (lack of better words)  It doesn't make sense except in grief.  But May is here.  I'm blessed to be expecting baby number six.  And the crazy emotions that come when the two are combined have only begun.

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