They say comfort comes with familiarity. I agree. It seems even the familiarity of tears can bring comfort. As I was driving home from dropping Colton off, they began to freely flow. The warmth of their wetness coming down my cheeks, the salty taste on my lips, it all brought comfort. My thought, "Well hello, dear friends." And then the peace followed. I feel better, mostly. The residual ache and exhaustion is hanging around. But that is also familiar. I know it, and today I welcome it.
What brought this on really caught me off guard. Tonight is our MOPS Valentine's Banquet. I was going through my closet, looking for a shirt for today, and came across the sweater I bought last year for the banquet. I was 9 weeks pregnant that night. I was showing, but not enough to warrant a maternity shirt quite yet. I searched several stores for the perfect sweater. And I was so happy to show off my baby belly that night.
The one moment that remember well from that night was a conversation I had with A while in line for food. She was expecting #3 any day and had a set of 5 year old twins. We were joking about how I might be pregnant with twins. How is seemed coincidental that her and another twin mom were the first moms to approach me at my first MOPS meeting, and how my MIL and grandmother both talked about us having twins, before we even conceived. Here we were, joking around about it, not knowing that there were really two little babies growing inside of me.
As I was thinking about this, pulling out of the parking lot, the question came to me. How could we all know I was having twins before they were conceived, but no one knew they wouldn't survive, no one knew we would fall victims to TTTS? I mean, really? I get it, deep down inside, but on the surface, it just hurts....a lot.
I really want to just stay home in my pajamas tonight and watch junk tv. I've made a committment, though. I have centerpieces to put together, a room to decorate, and friends to spend time with. And I am sure I'll feel better once I get there and am surrounded by the love. But I am afraid of losing it there, with Willy by my side. This is supposed to be a night for romance, not grief.
Again, I truly hate you grief!