Tuesday, February 1, 2011

8 Months

Lucas and Caleb,

Happy 8 month birthday, darlings. Where has January gone? It seems like it was just the New Year and now we are already a month in. But this has been a busy month.

Colton had his tonsils and adnoids removed at the beginning of the month. And I know you were watching over him as I had to leave the operating room before they started. It was hard walking into a room so similar to the one the two of you entered this room in. I felt some anxiety and tears tried to sneak out. But I had to stay strong for your brother, and I did.

There have been two snows this month. One a few weeks ago, and a blizzard today! Seriously, the snow is crazy and I can't wait to share pictures tomorrow. The only thing missing in my house today is the two of you.

It's been a rough month emotionally. The fresh year brought it's own grief, thinking how it was last year that you were born and gone. Then the one year anniversary of when we found out I was pregnant. And there has been a lot of baby-wanting around here. I want another little one so very bad. Some days it's more than I can handle, others I feel more patient. Dana shared this the other day, Spirit Babies. What a great concept. And so many other babyloss mommies have announced their rainbows on the way. Oh how I wish the two of you were here, in my arms.

I met Ana and Zoe's mommy this past weekend. It was so much fun. And it was great to be with someone so understanding and supportive. And we both wore our necklaces. Your cremation locket and her birthstone box. Two different necklaces that symbolize the reason we know each other. I wear you close to my heart everyday.

Colton has been asking about the two of you quite a bit this month. He is the greatest big brother, and it still breaks my heart that he lost the chance to be one to you, and to show Ethan how to be as great. Ethan asked about you last week, also. He's so young that he really doesn't fully grasp it much. But the two of you are still very close to their hearts.

Well, we are another month closer to your 1st birthday. I have learned how to crochet and am working on blankets for the memory boxes we will be donating on your birthday. It keeps me busy, and I think of you the entire time I am at work on them. I love the two of you so very much. And I miss you every single day.



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  1. Beautiful letter to Caleb and Lucas, Carrie! It breaks my heart that the boys will never get experience how great Colton and Ethan are at being big brothers!

    I hope today has been gentle on you! I have thought about you often today!

  2. What a sweet letter to Caleb and Lucas! <3 I know that they were watching over their family during this past month. I am sorry there were so many difficult moments in January and hope that that upcoming months are as gentle as possible. I am sending you big hugs and lots of love today. <3 Remembering Caleb and Lucas <3

  3. This is a beautiful letter to your boys. They were surrounded by so much love before they were born and they still are. I just love that Colton and Ethan still talk about them.

    I'm glad that you had such a great time with Rhonda. I bet all 4 of your babies were with you as you met. I hope the coming months are better than January was and that you get your chance at a rainbow baby soon.

    Sending you lots of love and hugs.


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