Tuesday, February 8, 2011


"I thought taking a job meant I was putting more of her behind me, or trying to get back to a time before she existed. Then again, I always think that sort of thing when I pass a marker. My heart panics, but when it catches up with reality, everything becomes clear: she is still with me, she is still gone. No more, no less. Wherever I put my heart and my energy now, it is because of her and what she has made me. She can’t possibly be left behind. "
This is a quote from the current Glow in the Woods post. And I love it! It puts into words what I have felt many times. This fear, this thought hits me so randomly, and like a brick wall. I can be talking with a friend, laughing at a joke, and it'll hit me. I am happy. I am enjoying my life. But my babies are still gone. And I wonder, sometimes, if those who know, but aren't close to me think I've "moved on" or that I don't think about Lucas and Caleb. They are always with me, close to my heart, and not very far from my mind.
Don't get me wrong, I love that I can truly enjoy my life. Sometimes it's just a little harder to swallow. Sometimes the guilt creeps in a little, even though I know that Lucas and Caleb would want me to be happy. It's still there a little. But I believe that little bit of guilt is what helps me to have good days, also. That guilt tells my head what my heart knows. That I love them and miss them, even though I am doing pretty well.
There are some markers coming up, and quickly, that is going to give me a really tough time. It is hard to go even a day without thinking that I was pregnant and sick and elated this time last year. And these days hurt nearly as much as the weekly markers in the beginning, the 36-week mark, and their actual due date. I push through hard moments right now. Hoping for some relief, because I am not ready to deal with it. I don't want a week of sadness. I want a day, a day of my choosing. I day when I can cry and watch junk tv all day. A day that when it is over, I can go to bed knowing that tomorrow will be brighter.
It just hit me that it's a Tuesday.

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1 comment:

  1. Sending you big hugs, Carrie! <3 I wish there was something that I could say to help relieve any feelings of guilt. Caleb and Lucas know how much you love them. You have so much in your life to be happy for and to celebrate. I really do believe that our babies want us to be happy. Thinking of you and sending you love during these hard moments and always! <3 <3 <3


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