I know that I am not keeping up with this as I had intended. And I really don't like using excuses much, but this year is off to a pretty crazy start. At least it's good crazy, though. This post deals with faith, both Elizabeth Gilberts and mine. I keep to being honest in this place, and ask for respect while you read this.I am sure some of you reading this question faith in general, especially when it comes to losing a baby(ies). I know mine has been challenged. But I have to say that I am in the group of people that has examined my faith, searched for answers, and have grown stronger in my faith since my baby boys went to Heaven eight months ago. I actually have more clarity now when it comes to my faith than I did before. And I really want to share an amazing moment with you.
On July 31st, 2010, 2 months to the day that we learned Lucas was gone, I was at a MOPS steering retreat. We were sitting at Jill's house getting ready to start. We were opening our day with a group prayer. I was already shedding tears and questioning if I was really ready to be here. Connie, one of our mentor moms, began to pray. She prayed about how some of us were there with broken hearts, and how she just prayed that the Lord would place his hand upon us and help us through this time. At that very moment He was there. I felt his hand on my shoulder and just knew it would be okay. It is a moment I will never forget. I will never forget the way His hand on my shoulder felt. I will never forget the peace that swept over me. And it was at that moment, that I knew I was not alone in all this.
Elizabeth Gilbert opens up about her relationship about God in Bead 3. She never really thought much about faith. When she was asked what kind of God she believed in, her response would be, "I believe in a magnificent God." She also explains that she could just as easily use any of the names that describes one's religoius diety, but she chose to use "God" because it is what sounds the most personal to her, the most right. She admits that she doesn't necessarily believe that God resides in "a distant throne in th sky" but "much closer than we can imagine, breathing right through our own hearts." Honestly, I believe both thoughts. I know He is Heaven watching down on us, but I also know He is in my heart, just as Lucas and Caleb are. (Colton tells me this often.) This can get really deep as you put more and more thought into all this. And sometimes I really don't care to do so. Sometimes I like scratching the surface and leaving it at that, and so I will end this Bead here.
In Bead 4, she talks how this is the first time she's honestly spoken to God. Really spoken to Him. And her interest was in saving her life. She was hopeless and it occurred to her that some people reach out to God when in this dark place.
Gilbert then touches on how she thanks Him, and how she hopes she "expressed ample gratitude for all the blessings that you have given me in my life." And it is with this thought that she realizes that God has waited her out. Oh how I can expand on this forever, but I won't. Not now, but I will probably at a later date. I just want to add that I know He has waited me out, also. And the way it felt when I realized this, and how so many things came together and made sense, well, it was pretty incredible.
She then talks about her prayer, the first true prayer to God dwindled down to her begging, "Please tell me what to do." I know that us that have lost our babies have also had this begging prayer. Where we cry, fall to our knees, and beg God to save or bring back our babies. It is exhausting and at some point we just stop. We don't really slow down at that moment, but come to an abrupt halt. And you feel something, nothing, maybe just nothingness. She talks about being surrounded by this great silence, and then hearing a voice. Her voice really, saying, "Go back to bed, Liz." --plain and simple-- For many of us, it has been more of, "I'm sorry." or "I'm here with you." She also describes this version of her voice as , "wiser, stonger, certain, more compassionate." And I think these words also describe me, now, post baby-loss. These words are part of what losing my precious babies have changed me into.
I have tons of questions toend this with, but think I'd rather just leave it open for anyone to add what comes to mind.