Saturday, October 9, 2010

The Dream

A few nights ago I had the most vivid dream of Lucas and Caleb. I really want to share the details on here since I really think it is a HUGE part in all this. Since it's been a few days, it might be a little choppy, but most dreams are, anyway.

Willy and I were in our playroom with the double stroller in front of us. The twins were about 3 months old. Caleb was fine, but Lucas was dead. They had chubby cheeks, blonde hair and were so adorable. This picture will be forever burned in my memory. I picked Lucas up and held him tight. My tears fell on the top of his head and I just kept crying. Then I felt him jump a little. It was a tiny movement, but I felt it. I held him out in front of me and he opened his eyes. I cried out for Willy. My Lucas came back. He was breathing and smiling at me. His beautiful eyes just grinned with happiness. When I looked down at my Caleb he was smiling the same smile. I had both my baby boys, finally.

This dream was so vivid. I could smell them, I could feel my Lucas cuddle up into my neck. I felt this intense happiness that is indescribable. And then I woke up. But instead of breaking down in tears, realizing it was all a dream, I felt this calmness and peace. I knew Caleb and Lucas were okay, and watching down on all of us. I miss them so much, but it feels a little different now.

This dream makes me smile now, and a few tears fall when I talk about it with someone. I still feel cheated and robbed. But I am grateful to be able to picture their double smile. Sometimes it helps bring me some peace and sometimes it hurts that I won't get to experience it on a daily basis. I am really trying to embrace some positiveness in this. I have to or I am going to fall down a deep, dark hole.


  1. ♥ The night after I lost Bryston and Colton, I had a similar dream. In the dream I was holding both of them, they were so tiny, and I knew in my dream that they were dead but they opened their eyes. And I remember calling my husband over and telling him, "Look, they have blue eyes just like Aubrianna!" Aubri is my 2 year old. That was 8 weeks ago and I still remember that dream so vividly, and I hold onto it. *hugs*

  2. Thank you for stopping by my blog and your kind words. I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious sons, life is so heartbreakingly unfair at times. I'm glad your dream brought you a small bit of comfort, I know what you mean about trying to focus on the positive, it's hard sometimes but I also try to do the same. Hope today was gentle & you have a peaceful evening.


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