A few nights ago I had the most vivid dream of Lucas and Caleb. I really want to share the details on here since I really think it is a HUGE part in all this. Since it's been a few days, it might be a little choppy, but most dreams are, anyway.
Willy and I were in our playroom with the double stroller in front of us. The twins were about 3 months old. Caleb was fine, but Lucas was dead. They had chubby cheeks, blonde hair and were so adorable. This picture will be forever burned in my memory. I picked Lucas up and held him tight. My tears fell on the top of his head and I just kept crying. Then I felt him jump a little. It was a tiny movement, but I felt it. I held him out in front of me and he opened his eyes. I cried out for Willy. My Lucas came back. He was breathing and smiling at me. His beautiful eyes just grinned with happiness. When I looked down at my Caleb he was smiling the same smile. I had both my baby boys, finally.
This dream was so vivid. I could smell them, I could feel my Lucas cuddle up into my neck. I felt this intense happiness that is indescribable. And then I woke up. But instead of breaking down in tears, realizing it was all a dream, I felt this calmness and peace. I knew Caleb and Lucas were okay, and watching down on all of us. I miss them so much, but it feels a little different now.
This dream makes me smile now, and a few tears fall when I talk about it with someone. I still feel cheated and robbed. But I am grateful to be able to picture their double smile. Sometimes it helps bring me some peace and sometimes it hurts that I won't get to experience it on a daily basis. I am really trying to embrace some positiveness in this. I have to or I am going to fall down a deep, dark hole.