Thursday, October 21, 2010

A Whole New Level of Unfair

This is Colton. He is my first born. This little boy is so full of love it is just amazing. He has all the qualities that I love about his dad. He is so aware of everyone and everything around him. And most who spend more than 10 minutes with him comments on how sweet and caring he is. He taught me what indescribable love is.

He is boy through and through.

And the faces he makes never fail to bring a smile to my face.

And he is an amazing big brother. He has loved Ethan from the very beginning. And I really don't recall much jealousy when Ethan was born. He really looks after Ethan.
Colton was so excited about Lucas and Caleb. He talked about them every day. And he still does. He asks about them now. He has been trying really hard to understand that they are no longer here on Earth. It is such a hard concept to grasp at the age of 4. And every time he sees me cry, he hugs me and tells me it's okay, we'll have more babies. But last night the finality of it all hit him, hard. He cried for over an hour saying he really, really misses Lucas and Caleb. And there was nothing I could do except hold him, rub his back, and tell him, "I know, me too." And he just cried and repeated it over and over. And I sat there helpless. And got angry at the fact that my son has to hurt so much, and there is nothing I can do to take the pain away. He hugged their monkeys and finally cried himself to sleep with me next to him rubbing his back. No parent should ever have to lose a child, but for a child to lose a sibling, it is that much harder. I hate that Ethan and Colton also lost their little brothers.
Colton reading to Lucas and Caleb 3 days before Caleb's bag ruptured. Once again, I can't help but ask why and feel angry. Like the mama lion protecting her young.

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  1. ((huge hugs)) I am crying right now. I am going through the same thing right now with my 5 year old daughter.

    It's rough. Especially since we don't have answers for them. Tianna came up to me a week or so ago and said, "Mommy, I wish I could fly to Heaven and bring my brothers home." Then she broke down and we both sat there sobbing.

    It's as if losing our babies wasn't bad enough, we have to watch our older children grieve. It breaks my heart.

  2. It is heartbreaking and heartwarming all at once.

    I am sad that this is now my living childrens' reality and it makes them so sad yet at the same time I love that they are aware and continue to love the little sibling they never got to meet.

    I wrote a similar post last night if you care to read:


  3. Oh, I am so sorry Carrie! I got choked up reading your post. Colton being so sad must break your heart all over again. It is so hard for us to understand what happened, I can't imagine the confusion a young child must have. That is not an easy position for a parent. I am sending you lots of strength and love! <3 <3 <3

  4. This just about broke my heart. It is so unfair that Colton and Ethan know about death so soon, that they know that babies can die. It must have been so heartbreaking for you when he was crying so hard.

    That picture of Colton reading to Caleb and Lucas is so sweet. Colton is such a sweet boy.


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