Monday, November 1, 2010

Happy 5 Month Birthday, Lucas and Caleb

Dear Lucas and Caleb,

Notice the title, little ones? I'm really trying to see things a little more positively now. Some days it's much harder than on others, but things are changing for me. I feel a little lost in this change, it seems every where I turn there's another choice to make and another obstacle in my way, but I'm making it and really trying to embrace the good things (and people) in my life.

I can't believe it's been FIVE whole months since you both were born and in my arms for the first time. And I am so happy that I had over 24 hours with the both of you to hold. Even though your body was lifeless, Lucas, I knew then and still know now that you were still in that labor and delivery room with us. Watching and waiting for Caleb to join you so you could go to Heaven together. I felt your presence, baby. And Caleb, I realized a few days ago that I am really blessed to have been able to see your first smile. The smile that came across your face as you joined Lucas, I will always remember that moment.

Yesterday was Halloween, little ones. Through the spring as I thought about this Halloween I thought about how I would be either sitting in the car keeping the two of you nice and warm or at home handing out candy while Daddy took Colton and Ethan out trick-or-treating. Without you here, I went with the boys and Daddy and had a really good time. I thought of the two of you often and felt you with the wind. Allison, Drew's mommy, once posted the following and I think of it often,

"I had once given you the air you needed to live, to grow and to develop. In death, I give you the air to pass through me…to enter the world as the spiritual energy you now are. For every breath I release, you have the opportunity to do somersaults in the wind, to play amongst the butterflies, the fall with the rain, to paint those beautiful sunrises...And for every breath I take in, you are able to come back to my heart where you will always have a place to rest. "

Thank you, Allison for such wise words. The breeze was constant last night and the leaves rustled with it and with Colton's and Ethan's eager footsteps as they went from house to house with the other princesses, superheroes, and dragons. And I felt the two of you with me all evening. I really look forward to posting some fun pictures tomorrow.

This past month has been easier. I have felt an awesome change coming about. I am truly enjoying most days. Anna and Zoe's mommy reminded that I can't just act good, that I have to be good inside and out before I can enter the next season of my life. I am working on it babies, I am working on it. And I feel it happening.

I am honestly happy to say that I have lost track of the number of weeks the two of you have been gone. I am grateful for this and refuse to go back and count them up. I know sometime this month the time you are gone will equal and pass up the time you were with us. And I don't want to know when it comes and passes. I don't want to concentrate on it and let it weigh me down any.

Well, boys, this past month was the best since we've lost you. And I know that months will continue to improve. My favorite part of the year is upon us and I hate that you aren't physically here to share it with. But we will pick out your ornaments this year and hang them on the tree. And I know that there will be some hard moments with the holidays coming up, but I am more grateful than ever to have Colton and Ethan here. So far the hardest part was looking at stockings and knowing that are mantle will be missing two this year.

I have to end this on a happy note. We love the two of you so much. And as I tell Colton on a daily basis, you are always in our hearts, helping to keep them warm.

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  1. This is beautiful. I am so glad that you have started to actually feel happiness again and not just put it on for others.

    I also love what Allison wrote, it is so appropriate and applicable to our circumstances and brings alot of comfort.

    I think that I recently passed the number of weeks that marked the time without Jacob being the same that we had him but, like you, I tried not to put much emphasis on the day and I really only have a vague idea of what day it actually was.

    I'm looking forward to seeing your pictures from Halloween.

    This is a beautiful letter to your boys. Thinking of you always,


  2. I am so glad that you are feeling more positive. It is hard to feel that way when we know what we lost. But doing so helps us move more fully into our new lives. I am so glad that you had a nice time trick or treating with Colton and Ethan and that you felt Caleb and Lucas's presence in the breeze. <3 I know that they were with their loving family. <3 I can't wait to see pictures! Here's to another month that is gentle and healing. My heart is with you as always!


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