Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Here, There, Everywhere

Where am I? I seem to be quite lost these past several days. Tomorrow is SIX months and the build-up to this milestone is kicking my butt. I finally get to the point where I am doing pretty well, then I hit another dead end and have to try over again. Really? Can I just find the way out, or at least a steady path for a little while? Because right now, it's getting kind of bumpy and it's rather exhausting.

I try to keep honest, so here is the raw honesty of what's going on today...

Today's trigger. Identical twin boys born at 28.5 weeks. They were born an hour ago. Their mom has been battling pre-term labor since 22 weeks. I am ever so grateful they were able to hold on for as long as they have been. I have prayed so hard for her and her babies over the past couple of months. They are weighing in at 2.9 and 2.5. Good weights. And I know they are in good hands in the NICU. But there is such a long road ahead of these precious baby boys and their family.

It's been a pretty big emotional battle for me. The mom is a good friend of a friend on mine. Most of me wants to run far away from all this. I mean really, I know I most likely cannot handle identical twin baby boys right now. Who wants to see me when they are fighting for their sons' lives? Feels a little selfish, it's been six months. I feel it shouldn't be about me and how I am feeling anymore. Like it's time to put on my big girl panties and suck it up. (Is there a line for this?) So a small part of me, the old me, the good me, wants to be there, meet her face to face, and tell her it will all be okay. The odds are really in their favor here.

But I also see this as a stepping stone. It's bound to happen at some point. Someone close will get pregnant with twins...it's inevitable. So why not start with a friend of a friend to get me a little closer to handling it all? Sounds like part of a plan to me.

For those of you who pray, please pray for these babies and this family. Her name is Katie and the boys' names are Grant and Bryce. For those that don't, please keep them in your thoughts.

I am feeling better now, much better. And I am feeling pretty positive again. And maybe I will, in a few weeks, meet her, face-to-face. It could actually be a little healing for me. I am grateful for this place to write and share. I really don't know what I would do without this blog and the wonderful people who read it and comment.

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P.S. So I hit publish, and suddenly felt this wave of peacefulness come over me. Just wanted to let you all know.

1 comment:

  1. I am right there with you on the past little while kicking my butt, and on the feeling that it shouldn't be about me anymore. That I just have to suck it up and move on. I can't though. Today I was walking around at lunch and actually started crying in the grocery store thinking about how it was 6 months ago today that I found out that Jacob died, and then of course, tomorrow is 6 months since he was born. And tomorrow I have to come to work and then go home and help my Mom when I just want to collapse in a pile on the floor and stay there. I wonder if my family will even say anything to me about tomorrow being 6 months.

    I can't even imagine what it will be like to talk to the Mom of Bryce and Grant. You are so strong and brave to even be able to think of doing it. The time will come when you know that you can do it. Don't do it until that time.

    I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I know we will both have a very rough day.



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