Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The ingredients for a perfect storm

This past week has been super rough! I mean to the point where I have wondered if I should be committed somewhere. I go from happy and joyful to crying my eyes out back to chipper within minutes. I am blaming the mood extremes to the proximity of Lucas and Caleb's six month birthday.

-Six months. Wow! I cannot believe it's been six months. Just the thought fleeting across my mind brings tears to my eyes. Never mind me mentioning it to someone. Six months. Half a year. How could that much time have passed already? Seriously?

-And for the past five months, I have concentrated that the six month mark means trying to conceive again. My heart is set on having another baby. And during the times when I wanted it the most, I held onto the six month mark. Six months to heal physically and emotionally. Six months for the green light from my doctor. And now I am getting the red light from Willy. He's not ready. We talked about it last month and he's not where I am on this topic. I understand. I really do. But it doesn't make the intense desire to have another baby any less. But I have succumbed to waiting a little longer. Keeping quiet for a few more months. Being patient so as to not push him over the wrong edge. I know there are many reading this right now who are in the same position I am. You don't want your husband to think you have changed your mind, but you don't want to "pester" him, either. I love Willy with all my heart, and he is the greatest husband a girl could ever ask for. This is just a little bump in the road.

-The holidays are upon us. What in the world was I thinking when I thought I could breeze through the holidays, gripping tight to the two healthy boys I have here, and not be knocked down by grief and who is missing. Ha, ha, ha! A funny joke, right? Well, when I opened up our Christmas totes last week and pulled the stockings out, I lost my mind. Level four meltdown. It hit me. How was I supposed to hang stocking for four weeks, with two missing? How was I supposed to look at those four, not six, stockings on a daily basis and not go crazy with the grief of losing two babies? I felt like grief was standing next to me, laughing and pointing at me. Although I do have to say the dragonfly ornaments hanging on either side of the stockings have made it a little easier to deal with.

-The first new baby in the family, Mackenzie, is making her way into this world as I type this. My neice. With the grief of losing my two babies, alone, this is a hard one. Not to mention everything above. I want to be there to support my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. But the idea of seeing family, in the hospital where I lost the boys, holding a healthy newborn baby is hard. It makes the pain fresh again. I talked to Brandy and Steve on Saturday, explained to them how I am feeling and that I would most likely wait until they bring her home.

So here are the ingredients to my perfect storm. Everything is spinning around in my mind making it hard to think clearly and to decipher how to handle all this. I am sure I would much rather all this happen at once, together, than back-to-back. Get it all over with, then let me be back to "better Carrie" for awhile....February, at least.

I hope to post Mackenzie's stats and a picture as soon as I get a chance to see her and hold her. It will probably be Friday sometime. But I will post on facebook as soon as I hear about her safe, healthy arrival.

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P.S. If you didn't have a chance, check out the pics from Ethan's party! It was a blast!

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