Dear Lucas and Caleb,
It's been seven months since saying hello and good-bye. You are on my mind often and I miss you so very much. Yesterday was New Years Eve and it started out okay. By mid-afternoon, the grief of a new year beginning hit crazy hard and crazy fast. I laid in bed and cried. And when Daddy found me, he laid next to me, held me, and comforted me as I cried. He loves the two of you so much and misses you. It was nice to have him there to help me get through my meltdown.
2010 is your year. The year you were born and lost. It will always be your year. And I find it really hard to think your year is over. It's hard to comprehend that the two of you died "last year". I don't like that phrase when talking about you, and will probably keep from using it.
We are really shooting for some good luck this year. We had doughnuts for breakfast, and are having black-eyed peas and ham for dinner. I really don't like black-eyed peas and usually only eat 2 or so. Last year I remember being proud of eating 5...how ironic that that's the number of months you were with us. This year I rinsed them really well and put them in ham, green bean, potato casserole, and I will eat TONS!!! Can't even taste them.
Christmas was good. Thank you for the snow you sent. I really wanted a white Christmas, and snow reminds me of you, and brings me peace. It was the perfect gift. I thought about you often throughout the holiday season. And I cried a few times on Christmas Day. I felt the hole that was left behind when you died. But I also was reminded that you are in Heaven, watching down on us, and that one day I will hold you in my arms again.
Well, babies, that just about wraps up December. Today isn't as hard as past anniversaries. It is getting more tolerable. And I know that is how you want it to be. We all miss you so much. And Colton still talks about you often. He's such a great big brother. We love you!!!