Grief and I have gone a few rounds yesterday and already this morning. I'm not sure entirely what's up, though I have a few ideas. Besides the regular "grief just pops up here and there when it's been too long since we've hammered it out". I think I might disappear for a few days. I'll still be close to the surface, probably scan facebook in the mornings (or more, you just never know). I just think I need to take a break from a few things.
It's kind of different this time around. I don't just feel sad, I feel frustrated and in a rut. And I am missing Caleb and Lucas in a way I haven't in quite awhile. Kisses from Colton and Ethan bring thoughts of the kisses I don't get from two of my sons. My mind really hasn't gone there in probably a year. I am sure this is the change grief takes after the first year. I am sure some of the frustration is that it's still showing up when I was feeling so great. And it's been kind of a roller coaster. I've gone from tears, to okay, to laughing, back to tears in a matter of an hour. I feel pretty crazy, and I am sure to those who haven't been here, I sound crazy.
I hope everyone else is doing pretty well. There's another large group of friends who are in their third trimester now (or soon) and I hope all of you are feeling good, not too tired.
If you want, go ahead and check out yesterday's what-if post. I think it's going to be something fun here. Also, when I return, I will have up the pictures from Lucas and Caleb's first birthday. They are FINALLY on my computer and I am excited to share them.