Bleh bleh

Grief and I have gone a few rounds yesterday and already this morning.  I'm not sure entirely what's up, though I have a few ideas.  Besides the regular "grief just pops up here and there when it's been too long since we've hammered it out".  I think I might disappear for a few days.  I'll still be close to the surface, probably scan facebook in the mornings (or more, you just never know).  I just think I need to take a break from a few things. 

It's kind of different this time around.  I don't just feel sad, I feel frustrated and in a rut.  And I am missing Caleb and Lucas in a way I haven't in quite awhile.  Kisses from Colton and Ethan bring thoughts of the kisses I don't get from two of my sons.  My mind really hasn't gone there in probably a year.  I am sure this is the change grief takes after the first year.  I am sure some of the frustration is that it's still showing up when I was feeling so great.  And it's been kind of a roller coaster.  I've gone from tears, to okay, to laughing, back to tears in a matter of an hour.  I feel pretty crazy, and I am sure to those who haven't been here, I sound crazy.

I hope everyone else is doing pretty well.  There's another large group of friends who are in their third trimester now (or soon) and I hope all of you are feeling good, not too tired. 

If you want, go ahead and check out yesterday's what-if post.  I think it's going to be something fun here.  Also, when I return, I will have up the pictures from Lucas and Caleb's first birthday.  They are FINALLY on my computer and I am excited to share them.