Thursday, December 16, 2010


I saw my OB today for the first time since my 4 week post-op appt. I knew I would run into her at Colton's Christmas program (a post for tomorrow). I had anxiety about it all morning. So I decided to dress great, look great, and hopefully feel good from all the greatness. And it worked. I am so proud of myself. She saw me, gave me a hug, and when she sincerely asked how I was doing I was honest and said, "Really well." Because I am, especially when compared the wreck I was four weeks after their birth. And we talked for a few minutes, she said how it was great to see me and was very genuine. It was a short chat, but one of those humps I had to cross. I have, I didn't cry (though my heart raced and the tears started to build up). I only wish I knew I would be seeing her soon to check on our rainbow baby. But I will continue to be patient, because I've been promised that patience pays off.

I feel a bad day coming. It's slowly building up inside me. The lumps are growing in my throat more often and they are harder to swallow. I feel on the verge of tears with less and less triggers. I knew it was too good to be true to make it to Christmas without a breakdown. I want it to come soon, before Christmas. I wander if I can force it out of it's hiding place. Hmmm....

Oh! And I received my gift from the Holiday Gift Exchange. Lei sent me a beautiful bracelet with a dragonfly charm. Gorgeous! I love it! Thank you, Lei! It brightened my moment and I am sure it will brighten my days. And there's been talk of a gift exchange for Mother's Day.

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  1. I feel like I could have written this blog post...because I took a turn just a couple of days ago. I had worked so hard to keep the bad feelings away...but here I am, in the midst of it all, hoping it goes away soon. Your bracelet sounds beautiful. ((hugs))

  2. I'm proud of you for how you handled seeing your OB. I have seen mine a few times, but it was in her office because of the miscarriage, and I had just finished crying. I wish I hadn't and she hadn't seen me that way, but it happened. I was thinking that next time I'll go in there and be happier, even if it is forced. It is hard not to associate them with the worst days of our lives though, and their faces and the sound of their voice are a reminder.

    I hope the breakdown comes before Christmas. It probably will. If you want to force it, go through some of the boys things. Looking at the clothes I wore when pregnant with Jacob always works too. It worked this morning.

    Thinking of you and looking forward to working on the Mother's Day gift exchange with you!

  3. I am so glad that you could tell your nurse that you are doing really well. The journey to that point is so difficult and never perfectly linear. Embrace the big cries that will come by knowing the smiles that will eventually follow. May the Christmas be filled with joy and the knowledge that Caleb and Lucas are near. Sending you love!


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