Days are getting tougher. The first few weeks of May went by pretty effortlessly. I thought maybe I would get through this a little easier than expected. Towards the end of the week I became trigger sensitive again. Thoughts of "next week will be one year since...." would bring on a flurry of emotions and tears. And now next week is this week, tomorrow. Tomorrow (Tuesday) is one year from the DAY that I made my first trip to Labor and Delivery. It seems like right now the day brings back more than the date. I heard this before, and it's a little confusing, really.
But those days are quickly approaching. I wrote last night in my journal to the twins, "The pain I feel this last week of your year closely resembles the pain I felt that first week. I am always on the verge of tears, and at times feel like a zombie walking through life." I know some around me are afraid to say anything about Lucas and Caleb, or ask how I am doing. They fear that I will begin to cry, as I probably will. But the tears are cleansing. They are real, as are my feelings, as is the impact Lucas and Caleb have made in so many lives.
Willy and I were blessed with a lot of together time alone this weekend. Kristan took them Friday night so we could have dinner together. We talked, really talked for the first time in a while. Lately it has seemed like we are two people on the same road, but not really together. We are aware of each other, interact with each other, parent together, but we just haven't been connected for a few weeks or so. It was so nice to be able to sit and eat and not worry about everything else around us.
On Saturday after learning White Water wasn't opening for Sunday, Dru called and offered to take the boys for the day/night. She picked them up around 2:30ish on Saturday and brought them home about 8:30ish last night. Willy and I went to Wal-Mart Saturday and planned the twins' garden out. It was so nice to do this with him. We talked about the different flowers we liked and whether to buy a pot or build a square box. We discussed ideas for their permenant garden when we move. A side joke, we found a lily called "Tiny Ghost" that cracked us up and received a strange look from a passer-by. hehe
Sunday, after church, we headed to Silver Dollar City. We were able to ride a few rides we don't get to when the boys are with us, and we were able to do some shopping. Just more together time to talk and re-connect. I cannot thank the wonderful family in our lives that allowed us this time together. This was the perfect weekend for us, as we are headed into the valley of grief.
I dropped Willy off at the south side of town so he could ride his scooter home. I was about a mile away when I turned on the radio and heard the news of the weather. The tornado had just hit Joplin and the weather was heading our way. I debated going back for Willy, but wasn't sure if he would ride with me or not. I figured I would just hurry home. Dru called to let me know her and the boys were going to ride the storm out at her place instead of bringing them into town in middle of it.
Willy arrived home safely, and drenched. He dried off and we watched video of the devastation in Joplin. He took Snickers out and called for me. I grabbed my camera and saw some really neat shading of the trees by the clouds. The tops of them were lit up and there was a distinct line. Then we turned around and saw this.
I realized there was a faint double to the rainbow.
This rainbow was incredibly bright. I have never see pink before next to violet. AMAZING!
Two rainbows. "LORD make me a rainbow....I'll shine down on my mother...She'll know I'm safe with your when she stands under my colors." ("If I Die Young" by The Band Perry) Two rainbows from my two baby boys at a time when I needed so much.