Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Brave or Crazy??

First I want to congratulate Allison (Drew's mommy) on the birth of their beautiful baby girl, Genevieve! She is beautiful and perfect and so loved already!

Wow, what a day! I went to see Kim's new baby boy this morning after dropping Colton off at school. He is so precious and I love being able to share this time. Holding a newborn baby has such innocence.

She is at Cox South, the same hospital I delivered all four of my boys in. I was feeling pretty good (probably all the new babies around) that I thought I would journey to Labor and Delivery next. I have been trying to find a nurse, Emily, for awhile now and have had little luck. She was absolutely amazing during the time after Lucas and Caleb passed. Here are the details from my first trip to L&D. I could not make this up, either.

When I went through the door and was waiting at the sign-in desk, chimes started to go off. These are the chimes that sound every time a new baby is born. I caught my breath and smiled. Another healthy baby has made it. Then a woman was wheeled in through the doors to be admitted. Her water just broke and she was going to have twins. Seriously. My eyes wanted to water, my heart skipped a few beats before beginning to crumble, and they wheeled her to the back. I left a note for Emily for her mailbox and went on my way.

On the way back to the care we passed the NICU. They have viewing windows that usually have the shades drawn. I thought what the heck, I'm on a roll, let's look. And right there, in front of the cubby where I saw my Caleb for the first time, the shade was up. I stood there for what seemed like forever and just remembered every detail of those precious moments. Then one of the dr's that took care of my sick baby walked through the doors. I grabbed hold of Ethan and quickly left. The tears began to fall some, and I just couldn't believe it's been almost a year.

I am glad that I went back. I feel like it is something that I needed to do before their year comes to a close. It was hard, and there is definitely some pain, but I survived, just as I have everything else this past year. There are very few things left to do before we celebrate the birth of our Lucas and Caleb. I am ready for it, or as ready as I will ever be. It hit me today that next week will probably be harder than the week of anniversaries. I welcome it, it's a better time for me to be home and be a lump on the couch, anyway.

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  1. My heart was pounding as I read this post. I'm glad going there was healing for you, rather than just plain terrible. I've gone back twice (not including when my nephew was born) and I feel a sense of peace being in the room where Jacob was born. I'll do it again on his birthday.

    You are so brave. I'm still not up to holding a newborn baby boy and just feeling peaceful about it.

  2. This brought tears to my eyes. And also made me feel quite anxious. I'll be going back to the hospital where Bryston and Colton were born next month (My new OB is located in the hospital) and I am a little scared. And my new OB is the OB that delivered my boys. I didn't plan it that way, it was a series of events that just led to this. It's a month away and I have that "I'm going to throw up" feeling.

    Reading how well you did gives me hope that I too can get through it.


  3. I'm glad you found some healing and closure before the anniversary. I feel so much peace when I visit the birth center where Charlotte was born. I think at some point we all must return to the place where we birthed them, met them, loved on them. It's painful, but a necessary part of the healing process.

    You are in my thoughts as the 1st approaches.


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