Rescue (post #197)

The pain yesterday SUCKED! I honestly feel like I am back in those first days at home without Lucas and Caleb. I couldn't make simple decisions, felt overwhelmed being by myself, and cried just for the sake of crying. I forgot what that level of intense grief was like. How it felt like my heart was being squeezed of all it had. Just speaking to someone brought the tears on. Every move I made brought back memories.

I called Aunt Jamie (Willy's cousin) after realizing I couldn't be alone yesterday morning. I asked her what she was doing, yada yada yada. When she asked me where I wanted to go, I had to hang up. I started to cry and panic. I called Rhonda, needing help. She was just here, and I knew she could help pull me through. After about 10 minutes and some great advice, Aunt Jamie called me back. She said, "I'm on my way, don't go anywhere." And then she was here.

She came to my rescue. I really have no idea how yesterday would have turned out for me or my boys if she hadn't shown up. I am honestly at the point I was those first days, weeks. I can't think clearly, at all. And I feel so alone, that I don't want to be alone.

Cousins, Lucky and Snickers, meeting for the first time.

These two puppies played for HOURS! It was hillaious to watch and brought me some true smiles.

Since I had promised the boys we would go somewhere, we took them to the farm park to play.

This chicken looks how I felt.

Love all three of them so much! Aunt Jamie is so full of love and happiness. She came to our rescue. I am pretty sure we would have stayed home and watched tv all day if she hadn't come over.

Colton jumping off the bale of hay. Ethan was quite cautious about getting down, which is highly unusual for him.

The boys feeding the ducks pretzels I had brought for a snack.

The ducks figuring out where they were coming from.

A story I want to share. As the boys were feeding the ducks, a family with a little boy walked over. Ethan grabbed a pretzel from my purse, walked up to the little boy and said, "Here, you can feed the ducks, too." Such an amazingly sweet son.

Dru came over after work bringing Mountain Dew and gummy bears. It was nice to visit and get a much needed hug from her.

And Willy brought me home an orchid. He saw it and knew I needed some flowers. This week is tough on him, also. And I know it's harder in ways because he wants to help me.

After dinner we went to Fruityland for dessert. It is a serve yourself frozen yogurt place. There is like 10 kinds of fro-yo and probably 30 different toppings. It is always so much fun creating food with the kiddos.

Then we took Aunt Jamie home and headed for the house. The boys hopped in the shower. And the quiet time brought back the pain and tears. I made a few phone calls, and headed to bed. I slept pretty well, for the most part. Today is okay. I feel the weight of the grief, but it wasn't so unexpected today. I am sure the next few days will be the same. But I know how to battle it. Thank you to everyone for your love, thoughts, and prayers.

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