Monday, June 27, 2011

Random Thoughts on a Monday

Wow!  We've really been busy.  Really, really busy.  And now that I'm home for a day, without Colton and Ethan, I am having time to process some things.  First I miss my boys this moment, all four of them.  I miss Colton's random hugs through the day and Ethan's priceless smile with the eye squint.  Those two boys really make my world go round.  And I miss Lucas and Caleb today.  I miss that they probably would have been with us when Willy and I had lunch, or that we wouldn't have gone out to lunch.  I am pretty sure it was to be a rare occasion that Grandma took all four boys at the same time, let alone for two nights.  So, honestly, I probably wouldn't be alone right now had Lucas and Caleb lived. 

I'm in a weird place right now.  Maybe I jumped back into live too quickly after their birthday.  Maybe I'm not giving myself enough down time and just avoiding the hole that is still there.  Maybe the desire to have our rainbow is just so strong right now that it is magnify-ing grief.  Who knows.  There are really no answers, just speculations.

Other than all that, I am feeling pretty great most the time.  I feel so full of life most of the time.  I am ready to go and fully enjoying every single moment I have with Colton and Ethan.  In less than 9 weeks, Colton will be starting kindergarten.  In 9 weeks, Ethan will be starting pre-school.  My time with them will be less.  Every moment is that much more special.

So, I keep going back to the downer side.  I guess it's really just where I am at this moment.  I haven't been in the space much to write this month.  I have been keeping up with everyone else, and another wave of pregnancy announcements.  (Also a possible pregnancy in jeopardy, please keep T in your thoughts and prayers). 

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