So, sitting here, just over year out from Lucas and Caleb's birth and deaths, I must say I like where I am at. Serioulsy, given this horrible, tragic part of our lives, I feel pretty good. I know some of you must be thinking I must be crazy, or heartless, or just plain numb. But I feel better than I ever thought I would.
I am a completely different person than I was a year ago, two years ago, even 10 years ago. So different, in fact, that I sometimes don't recognize myself. I am open, chipper, full of life and spirit. Most who meet me now would never guess that I have two babies in Heaven, let alone experienced all this such a short time ago. I have, though, and they have forever changed me.
The outside changes have been occurring the past five months or so. Since their birthday, though, I have noticed another big change. I am one person now. I have learned how to integrate Lucas and Caleb into my family and my self. Before, there was the me with them. I would be lost in my thoughts about them. I couldn't think about them and be a participating member of my family at the same time. Just didn't work.
Now they are honestly a part of everything we do. They can cross my mind, and I don't have to check out. I feel they have found their spot in our lives, in my heart, where they can rest easy and peacefully, knowing that is where they will always be. It's really kind of weird to explain, really. I guess until reaching this point, it's probably hard to understand, as well. And I am quite certain that having Colton and Ethan has played a big role in getting to this point.
Another piece of this puzzle was definitely how we celebrated their birthday. We did things for them that we do for Colton and Ethan, and even Willy and I. A big part of this was the mantle shelf. For every birthday, we part the birthday cards on the mantle shelf for a few weeks to display. The boys always like to look at their birthday cards and it showcases that family member. Well, Lucas and Caleb also received cards, along with the family. Without even thinking about it, that is where we put them, on either side of their candle holder. Amazing, really.
I am sure I kind of strayed from topic some, I just wanted to share the points to the how I got to this place. In general, I am feeling the best I have in the 54 weeks since we said hello and good-bye. I feel better than I could have ever imagined, especially those first days and weeks. I haven't gotten here alone, but with the help of so many. And I am so grateful for each and every person who has been apart of our journey.
Don't get me wrong. I still have sad moments where I can't believe this is our reality. But those moments are precious and more peaceful. I miss them terribly every single day. I hate that we have been through this, and that we have two sons we don't get to raise here on Earth. But I am able to embrace those hard moments for what they are and who they are about. And it's a good place to be.
Here today via Angie's blog. So sorry for the loss of Caleb and Lucas. Mourning them with you and wishing they were here with their big brothers.
ReplyDeletexo
I'm visiting from Angie's project. I am sorry that Lucas and Caleb are not in your arms, as they should be.
ReplyDeleteI felt an enormous sense of pride in the things we did for Emma's birthday - the cake and the presents and the cards played a big part in honouring her as a member of our family and that, in it's turn, helped me to integrate her short life into our lives.
"I feel they have found their spot in our lives, in my heart, where they can rest easy and peacefully, knowing that is where they will always be." I really like how you express this - so lovingly.