Wow, time is really moving quickly! I just realized I am writing post #242! I don't remember hitting 200, at all. 17 months without my sweet baby boys just passed, and earlier today I referred to losing them as 18 months ago. Really??
Speaking of them, I had the most amazing reaction today from a lady who I talked about them with. We talk often, everyday I pick Ethan up from school. She's worked there since Colton started attending there. But we've never talked about Lucas and Caleb. She asked about if I was happy with two boys today as we were waiting for Ethan and Willy to go to the restroom. This is always an awkard question for me. I told her we were actually blessed with four boys, but that we lost twins 18 months ago. Her reaction was perfect. No crazy amount of pity and the pat "I'm sorry." She looked genuinely saddened by the news, but continued the conversation also. Hard to explain, I guess. We talked about how as bad as I would love, love to have a little girl running around, what I truly desire is a healthy baby coming home in my arms (not a white box.) It was overall a nice conversation, considering.
I feel like I am back on track all around. I am cooking again, the boys are getting their work done, and my laundry is caught up. I missed my planner last week, and actually enjoyed catching it back up yesterday. Christmas is just around the corner. I find myself fighting to not rush into the season versus last year when I just wanted to run away. It's a nice change, that's for sure. It's going to be a fun Christmas and I feel comfortable with where Lucas and Caleb fit into it all. They are always with us and often those around us.
I found myself wondering over the weekend if 18 months is going to be more painful than some of the more recent anniversaries. I kind of feel that it will, for whatever reason. Although Drew's Mom, Allison, put it well yesterday when she said it's closer to 2 years, on the flip side of it. So, I refuse to let it blindside me, but am trying not to anticipate it, either. I guess I'm really trying to avoid the thought of 18 months in general and what it means. There are enough distracting thoughts going around inside this head of mind, that's for sure.
Wow, so there's some random ramble on a rainy day.