Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Moving Quickly

Wow, time is really moving quickly!  I just realized I am writing post #242!  I don't remember hitting 200, at all.  17 months without my sweet baby boys just passed, and earlier today I referred to losing them as 18 months ago.  Really?? 

Speaking of them, I had the most amazing reaction today from a lady who I talked about them with.  We talk often, everyday I pick Ethan up from school.  She's worked there since Colton started attending there.  But we've never talked about Lucas and Caleb.  She asked about if I was happy with two boys today as we were waiting for Ethan and Willy to go to the restroom.  This is always an awkard question for me.  I told her we were actually blessed with four boys, but that we lost twins 18  months ago.  Her reaction was perfect.  No crazy amount of pity and the pat "I'm sorry."  She looked genuinely saddened by the news, but continued the conversation also.  Hard to explain, I guess.  We talked about how as bad as I would love, love to have a little girl running around, what I truly desire is a healthy baby coming home in my arms (not a white box.)  It was overall a nice conversation, considering.

I feel like I am back on track all around.  I am cooking again, the boys are getting their work done, and my laundry is caught up.  I missed my planner last week, and actually enjoyed catching it back up yesterday.  Christmas is just around the corner.  I find myself fighting to not rush into the season versus last year when I just wanted to run away.  It's a nice change, that's for sure.  It's going to be a fun Christmas and I feel comfortable with where Lucas and Caleb fit into it all.  They are always with us and often those around us. 

I found myself wondering over the weekend if 18 months is going to be more painful than some of the more recent anniversaries.  I kind of feel that it will, for whatever reason.  Although Drew's Mom, Allison, put it well yesterday when she said it's closer to 2 years, on the flip side of it.  So, I refuse to let it blindside me, but am trying not to anticipate it, either.  I guess I'm really trying to avoid the thought of 18 months in general and what it means.   There are enough distracting thoughts going around inside this head of mind, that's for sure.

Wow, so there's some random ramble on a rainy day. 

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  1. I'm glad you were able to have such a nice talk with that woman today. It is always such a relief when someone responds well and doesn't give any of the stupid comments we hear too often.

    I'm glad things are back on track and that you are looking forward to Christmas this year. I just put up the Holiday Gift Exchange on Faces of Loss (with your email, and mine, listed to contact in case someone has questions).

  2. I am glad that her response to Caleb and Lucas made you feel so good (those moments of connection are so special). I am also happy to read that you are feeling positive about this holiday season. I know Caleb and Lucas will be with you. <3 <3 Sending you hugs and love as you approach 18 months!


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