This time last year I was completely lost. I didn't know how I was going to survive the holidays intact. Six months was around the corner (as 18 is now), and I didn't know how Christmas was going to arrive and pass.
Christmas has always been a magical time for me. The lights, the shopping, the family and friends, I just love it all!!!! As a parent, it has always been that much more amazing! Last year I was having to learn how to celebrate with my children with two in Heaven. Everyone does it differently. There really is no right way to do it, but there is also no handbook for how it should be done. I followed my heart closely, as did many of our friends and family. It was difficult and touchy at times, but we survived through it well.
I feel two crazy extremes this year. This past week has been full of Christmas magic. We took the boys to Silver Dollar City last week, and WOW! Watching their eyes light up at every tree, parade float, and decorated building just warmed me through and through. I love how much they also love this time of year. I want it to have the magic for them it always has for me.
Then there are the pangs of pain I feel when I think about how we should have two little toddlers running around, trying to eat froot loops off the tree, pull down ornaments, and playing with the Christmas train. I try to avoid these thoughts, mainly. I am getting better about avoiding self torture. I miss them so much. And I know there are some things that are going to make it harder this year than last. Especially since they really would have been into all the Christmas stuff this year.
We have bought their ornament this year. Colton talked about them quite a bit last night as we put ornaments on the tree. Every time he saw two ornaments that were the same, he asked if we could hang them for Lucas and Caleb. Love that boy!!