Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Nursery Takedown

As many of you know, Willy and I have decided to put the house on the market next month. In doing this, I am being forced to redo the twins' nursery. It is a jumbled mess that makes it very obvious that something went wrong. After losing Caleb, I told Willy there was absolutely no way I would be able to come home and see all the twin things we had scattered EVERYWHERE. I told him our friend, Danielle, had offered to gather stuff for us if he didn't want to. But my amazing husband insisted he do it.
This black curtain has been hanging over their "doorway" since June 2nd. I have peeked around it here and there, and even spent a few brave moments on the other end. I even caught Ethan playing hide and seek behind it. Which really brought on some tears.

This is their nursery in the making. Anytime we would find something, we would throw it in here. Last week I stumbled upon their 12-18month outfits in a tote I was going through in prep for our yard sale. I was taken by surprise. I just choked back the tears, gathered them up, and tossed them into the crib. This room should have been done by now with the bed made, changing table cleaned off, and monkeys hanging on the wall.

This is the beautiful wall applique my friend, Melanie, bought for me. I LOVE it so much and truly hate that the twins will never have the chance to know how awesome she is. Or be best buddies with her son, Carter and their newest addition that is on the way.

This is the twin nursing pillow given to me by fellow MOMs member, Jennifer. She has twin boys that are nearing 2. I really enjoyed listening to stories about her sons and all the things they did because they were twin.

These are the matching bouncy seats we bought. I bought them because they were lightweight and I could carry them easy up and down the stairs. Every time I looked at them, I pictured Caleb and Lucas giggling together and trying to out bounce each other.

I bought this 2 days before my membranes ruptured. It really helped the back pain. It was truly fabulous how much better I felt. Though on Saturday I was wondering if it is what had ruptured my membranes, though I know better.

I HAD to have this diaper bag. It is very large and spacious. And I has wires along the zipper that keeps it open when you digging through it. This is the only thing that will be used with our rainbow baby, when that day comes.

The monkey sheet I fell in love with. We chose monkeys because we felt monkeys best described twin Earls boys.

These are all the shoes we had already bought. Buying two pairs of matching shoes was so
much fun! I LOVE shoes and I got to buy twice the shoes!

This is their going home outfit if they were preemies. The patch says "Best Buddies" It fit perfectly for Lucas and Caleb. We really didn't think they would be small enough to wear these, but were trying to be prepared. I never thought they would be smaller or that they would never come home.

This is their coming home outfit if they wore Newborn size. I just love the monkey on the butt. I would give anything to be using this outfit in two weeks.

Their monkey sleepers I just had to have. Basically anything with monkeys was going to be theirs.

For this winter. I had one for Ethan and we always laughed at how little he looked in it. Found these at the MOMs sale with tags still on and they were a great buy! And I hate that I will be selling them unused in the spring.

These are the hats our cousin, Jamie, bought for them. The Hawaiian pattern fits their Daddy so well. She was so excited about Lucas and Caleb. And I know her heart was also broken by their loss.

These are the overalls that Grandma Dru fell in love with. She found one pair and searched three other Wal-Marts in town for the second. She picked out several onesies for Lucas and Caleb to wear underneath them.

Totally love this outfit. I found the onesies at Gordman's and knew they were perfect. At that point I was determined to shop with Caleb and Lucas, but knew it would probably be a challenge.

This is the first sleeper bought for Lucas and Caleb. The week after we found out we were having twins, Dru and I went shopping. She bought matching boy sleepers and matching girl sleepers. She was my shopping partner when I shopped for Lucas and Caleb. I will never forget when we were shopping at the Moms of Multiples store and ran into a mom with identical 8 month old boys. They both looked at us at the same time and smiled. And we looked at each other and cried the happiest tears. I always remembered the thought of my boys smiling at me together. It used to make me giddy, now it really brings on the tears. I will never get to see that.

Their matching Hawaiian shirts. We love you, Daddy.

The matching Big Brother shirts with matching Little Brother bibs. I truly hate that these are being put away in a chest, never to be worn. And I hate what this signifies. Colton and Ethan have suffered a great loss, too. One no child should every have to endear.

I bought this for Willy's birthday. I thought it fit his take on the twins quite well. Every time someone mentioned the twins, he would have this goofy grin. I am quite grateful I don't remember who made the comment, "That's a little premature, don't you think." when he wore it. If I did, it may not be pretty. I found this shirt wadded up in their closet side of the chest. It broke my heart all over again. The last time he wore it was Sunday night/Monday morning in the hospital. He was so proud of his two little baby boys.

And these are little socks that I found and loved so much for them.

Here is me, as I am finishing up the room. Sorting through what will be sold in the far future and what would be kept in their memory chest. Today hurt so much. I've been building up to it for some time now, knowing it had to be done. I just wish, hope, and pray with all I have that I was finalizing the nursery to bring them home in two weeks instead of tearing it down and packing it away. Another reminder that we really went through this and that they really are gone.

All their clothes I won't keep. We were so ready for them!

The nursery after I finished. I put Ethan's crib set on crib and rearranged the furniture. Now it looks like it's expecting a different baby. It's not the jumbled mess that closely resembled the mess our lives have been since June 1st. It's easier to look into now and I don't feel the need to hide it behind the black curtain.
This project was so hard to tackle. Documenting it with pictures made it a little more bearable and sidetracked me a little. Although putting this together has definitely given me another good cry. No mommy or daddy should ever have to take down an unused nursery. But some of us do, and it totally sucks! Thank you to all my family and friends who thought of me yesterday morning as I went through this. Your strength helped me get through this part of the journey.


  1. You had so many cute things for them. I'm sorry they will never get to wear those outfits or use their bouncy seats. Thank you for sharing all of the sweet things that belonged to Caleb and Lucas.

  2. Caleb and Lucas are so loved, it is so evident in everything you write and in all the preparations you had made. All of those clothes are so adorable and the rows of little matching shoes made me cry. So did the picture of you. My heart is aching for you, all of your little boys and Willy. You should never have had to go through all this.

    Thinking about you and sending big hugs your way!

  3. Praying for you. You're better than I am. My sweet Lilly passed away November 13th, and I still haven't started packing up her things. I refuse to until I absolutely have to.

  4. Huge hugs and prayers to you. You are also better than I was...I couldn't face the only 'twin' thing we had...the stroller. I made friends remove it from the house and made my hubby take it back.
    I am in awe of your open and honest approach. From experience I think it will get you far, it will carry forward, it will help you cope, hope and heal.

  5. I wish your twins would have been able to have everything that you and your husband prepared for them. Their little outfits were so adorable. I am so sorry, and I am thinking about you. (((Hugs)))

  6. Hi, I couldn't find your email address on your page. Will you email me at clif_n_des_06.02.07@hotmail.com and let me know of something that reminds you of your boys??


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