Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I know, I know

I know that I should be doing a post with pictures about our camping/float trip right now. I promise I am working on it. Hopefully tomorrow it'll get up. We really had a great time and I can't wait to share some really magical pictures.

Yesterday was a little tougher than I expected. Colton had his pre-K open house/orientation. And I had crazy anxiety ALL day about it. I even forced some tears out at one point hoping it would make me feel better. It did for a short while, but it wasn't quite the answer. Why the anxiety? I would be seeing and talking to many people who knew we lost the twins for the first time, face-to-face. And then many others who knew I was expecting twins, but not that things went terribly wrong at the beginning of summer...just 2 weeks after school ended.

And Colton had some anxiety as well. A new classroom, with new teachers, and some new friends. Not to mention that the kid is ubersensitive and was probably feeding some off of me. I'm sorry, son, that I no longer can fully control or mask my feelings. I try, but it's a process.

Colton and I went down to his old classroom to see his teachers from last year who are absolutely amazing. They knew about Lucas and Caleb but we really hadn't talked yet. And you know, after crying with Mrs. Jenny, I felt all better and so did Colton. I have come to realize that there are still people around that I need to cry with. And that until I do, some things are going to be hard and there will be some anxiety. So for those of you that I haven't cried with yet, it's coming. It's inevitable, I'm sorry.

And I'm really missing the twins this evening. I am missing on some things we are going to miss out on being the parents of twins who are in Heaven. And I know what sparked that sudden pang. And it sucks. I hope that no one ever thinks they have to censor around me, because they don't. And for those of you that are reading and expecting soon, please know that my baby fever has elevated quite a bit and that I am wanting to be around babies. It's kind of crazy, really and I think it's a good thing. Just please also know, there will also be some tears.

And I will try tomorrow to post about our trip.


  1. I can't wait to see pictures of your trip. I am so sorry that you had such a difficult day yesterday. You are so right about the inevitability of tears. I am sure we have many ahead of us, but it is comforting to know that we have so much support and love in each other. I am thinking about you and your precious boys (on Earth and in Heaven!) (((Hugs)))

  2. I can't wait to see your pictures!

    I was thinking of you yesterday, hoping that the orientation would go well.

    That is so nice that Mrs. Jenny cried with you. I love it when people do that.


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