I have heard the phrase "lost in grief" several times throughout this journey. Yet I never quite fully understood what it meant. I am sure that is how I was the first few days after Lucas and Caleb were born...but I was also numb.
Tuesday I was literally lost in my grief. It was like I was running through dark, dark woods and couldn't find my way out. Every trail I would find would lead me right back to grief, sadness, and pain. Every new, non-loss thought was a new trail. It would last for 3 or 4 minutes if I was lucky, but would end with the twins. I thought about it all:
-How contractions started and that led to finding out we had lost Lucas
-How they thought Caleb was going to be okay after we lost Lucas
-How I held both my babies in my arms and cried more than I ever knew was possible
-How I was so ready to spend 12 weeks in a hospital bed to get my babies into the world safely
-How I truly hate that I am now a completely different person and it's not fair to anyone
and it went on and on. I even went back to running the events of that Saturday through Wednesday in my head as I was trying to go to sleep that night. I hadn't done that in close to 7 weeks!
Willy and I went out to dinner that night and I was still lost. I would look up and see the canopy of trees closing in on me. I was being swallowed by my grief. And this was 11 weeks from their birth. And I would get more and more frustrated with it all. Why couldn't I find my way out of all this? I had so many times, but not on this particular day. I was really lost....and I didn't know if I was going to find my way out. I could see the way Willy looked at me and was beginning to worry. I kept telling him I would be okay, just needed to get through the week. Yet, I didn't quite believe that myself.
And I was relieved to wake up Wednesday morning to see a clearing. I wasn't so lost anymore, and though it's still a long way to that clearing, I know it's there. I know I am making my way a little more steadily right now. And that there will be days when I feel like all paths lead to more grief and sadness, but I truly hope that I always remember where the clearing is and that don't ever again feel so lost.