Thursday, August 19, 2010


I have heard the phrase "lost in grief" several times throughout this journey. Yet I never quite fully understood what it meant. I am sure that is how I was the first few days after Lucas and Caleb were born...but I was also numb.

Tuesday I was literally lost in my grief. It was like I was running through dark, dark woods and couldn't find my way out. Every trail I would find would lead me right back to grief, sadness, and pain. Every new, non-loss thought was a new trail. It would last for 3 or 4 minutes if I was lucky, but would end with the twins. I thought about it all:
-How contractions started and that led to finding out we had lost Lucas
-How they thought Caleb was going to be okay after we lost Lucas
-How I held both my babies in my arms and cried more than I ever knew was possible
-How I was so ready to spend 12 weeks in a hospital bed to get my babies into the world safely
-How I truly hate that I am now a completely different person and it's not fair to anyone
and it went on and on. I even went back to running the events of that Saturday through Wednesday in my head as I was trying to go to sleep that night. I hadn't done that in close to 7 weeks!

Willy and I went out to dinner that night and I was still lost. I would look up and see the canopy of trees closing in on me. I was being swallowed by my grief. And this was 11 weeks from their birth. And I would get more and more frustrated with it all. Why couldn't I find my way out of all this? I had so many times, but not on this particular day. I was really lost....and I didn't know if I was going to find my way out. I could see the way Willy looked at me and was beginning to worry. I kept telling him I would be okay, just needed to get through the week. Yet, I didn't quite believe that myself.

And I was relieved to wake up Wednesday morning to see a clearing. I wasn't so lost anymore, and though it's still a long way to that clearing, I know it's there. I know I am making my way a little more steadily right now. And that there will be days when I feel like all paths lead to more grief and sadness, but I truly hope that I always remember where the clearing is and that don't ever again feel so lost.


  1. Carrie -- I thought of you when I read this poem (see #9 & #11 and keep these in mind).
    -- Rita

    Noah's Ark Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark .

    ONE: Don't miss the boat.

    TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat!
    THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

    FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
    FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
    SIX: Build your future on high ground.

    SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

    EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage.. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

    NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.

    TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

    ELEVEN: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

  2. Oh Carrie, I am so sorry that you have had such a tough week. I hope that next week will be better. I hope that camping this weekend will provide some distraction and I hope that Caleb and Lucas send you some signs. Your post is so well-written and expresses the grief and the feeling of being lost so well. It is really hard to see that there is a clearing when you are in the dark forest, that there is a light, even when you are in the darkest pit.

    I am hoping and praying that today and the next several days get better. I hope that you get a few peaceful moments when you can just be.

    Thinking of you always.

  3. So sorry that you're having a rough week. Will be praying for you. <3 & hugs


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