I really need to be in church today. And I am sitting here in front of my computer typing and crying. I need to cry. I need to get it all out before I put on make-up and leave the house. I would much rather stay in my house, with the shades drawn, curl up under my blankets, and cry myself to sleep. But as a good friend has said many times, "Times that I really want to skip church are the times I really need to be there." She is so right and I know it today. I know there's love there and people ready to embrace me during another tough day. And I know there is a message I need to hear.
I still get angry with God once in awhile for letting any of this happen. I still question what I did to deserve such an awful loss. I still cry and pray that I'll wake up in the morning and none of this ever happened. That all this has been a terrible nightmare. But I know better than all of this. I am just grateful that He can handle my anger and just hold me closer as I cry my many tears.
Other times I feel blessed for all he gave me and put in my life to help me handle our loss. And I feel his strength as I am able to smile, laugh, and enjoy life again. Because I am able to enjoy my life again. Not every day, and not every moment of any day. But I am physically, mentally, and emotionally able to enjoy life. And that is a really big thing.
I am curious what the message will be this morning. I know it will have great meaning to me and where I am sitting in my life, it most always does. And I know I will probably be crying intermittently throughout both worship and sermon. But what better place to cry than A House of the Lord?
And I've cried the tears I needed to. Feeling better already.