Fridays have now become harder than Tuesdays. I have sailed through the past three Tuesdays. I didn't spend the day thinking it's been "X" number of weeks since Lucas and Caleb were born. It has been a nice change of pace. But Fridays have began to SUCK big time.
I would be 35 weeks pregnant today. I've woke up feeling the weight and thinking it. I didn't cry a single tear though until I just typed it. Typing it makes it real and makes it hit home. It was likely we would have had our babies in our arms today. Maybe in the NICU for a few days, but maybe not. Lucas and Caleb were on a roll to very healthy weights. That was my goal for them. To eat well and gain enough weight so they would have a great start when they were born. Where did it all go wrong.
I went birthday shopping yesterday and I kept pushing the thoughts away. "I shouldn't be able to shop like this. I should be at home on bedrest. I shouldn't be able to fit into these jeans, I should only be able to wear gym shorts. I shouldn't be able to button this shirt." These thoughts would start to creep up and I wouldn't let them finish. It is no longer what should have been, but what is. At least most of the time. And this is. Our loss is.
Next Friday will be my 36 week mark. It's a really big day for moms carrying twins. It is the goal date for carrying them. It is circled big on my calendar because after next Friday I would be ready to have them and they would most likely not even have to go to the NICU. Next Friday is also my birthday. I thought it was really neat that the twins might share my birthday with me. Wow, I thought, what a great birthday present. Now it's just another landmark I won't hit.
I'm really missing Caleb and Lucas today. I am really missing all our family was going to be. I am missing them for Willy. And I missing them for their big brothers, Colton and Ethan. And I miss you for your grandparents who were so excited and proud. And I am really wondering why babies have to die. And why mine had to die. It wasn't enough that I had to lose Lucas, but I had to lose Caleb, too. Two of my children are gone from this Earth. Two children that I have felt kick, watched play together, and held in my arms. This really sucks. And Fridays really suck.