Friday, August 13, 2010


Fridays have now become harder than Tuesdays. I have sailed through the past three Tuesdays. I didn't spend the day thinking it's been "X" number of weeks since Lucas and Caleb were born. It has been a nice change of pace. But Fridays have began to SUCK big time.

I would be 35 weeks pregnant today. I've woke up feeling the weight and thinking it. I didn't cry a single tear though until I just typed it. Typing it makes it real and makes it hit home. It was likely we would have had our babies in our arms today. Maybe in the NICU for a few days, but maybe not. Lucas and Caleb were on a roll to very healthy weights. That was my goal for them. To eat well and gain enough weight so they would have a great start when they were born. Where did it all go wrong.

I went birthday shopping yesterday and I kept pushing the thoughts away. "I shouldn't be able to shop like this. I should be at home on bedrest. I shouldn't be able to fit into these jeans, I should only be able to wear gym shorts. I shouldn't be able to button this shirt." These thoughts would start to creep up and I wouldn't let them finish. It is no longer what should have been, but what is. At least most of the time. And this is. Our loss is.

Next Friday will be my 36 week mark. It's a really big day for moms carrying twins. It is the goal date for carrying them. It is circled big on my calendar because after next Friday I would be ready to have them and they would most likely not even have to go to the NICU. Next Friday is also my birthday. I thought it was really neat that the twins might share my birthday with me. Wow, I thought, what a great birthday present. Now it's just another landmark I won't hit.

I'm really missing Caleb and Lucas today. I am really missing all our family was going to be. I am missing them for Willy. And I missing them for their big brothers, Colton and Ethan. And I miss you for your grandparents who were so excited and proud. And I am really wondering why babies have to die. And why mine had to die. It wasn't enough that I had to lose Lucas, but I had to lose Caleb, too. Two of my children are gone from this Earth. Two children that I have felt kick, watched play together, and held in my arms. This really sucks. And Fridays really suck.


  1. I am sending you giant hugs and lots of love. I am so sorry for everything that should be, but never will. I am proud of you for being able to control those thoughts to an extent, you are so strong.

    I've been looking at your pictures of Caleb and Lucas over the past few days and they are just so incredibly beautiful and such wonderful boys. I know they are watching over you, Willy, Colton and Ethan.

    I hope that the rest of your day gets a little easier and that next Friday, your birthday, won't be as bad as anticipated. I find the anticipation is usually worse than the actual day, but not always I'm afraid.


  2. It can all just be so hard at times. In so many ways we lost our dreams and our future. Thinking of you and sending so many hugs! xx

  3. Sending lots of love your way. I will be thinking of you on your birthday. I fell to pieces on mine. Remembering and missing Caleb and Lucas with you.

  4. I am so sorry, Carrie. I had just sent you a message hoping that your day was gentle. I hate that the grieving and healing have to so painful. (((Hugs))) My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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