I'm supposed to be making cowboy coffee cake for Friday Morning Coffee. It is half put together and mixed in the kitchen. I have to take a break though. I thought maybe I would escape the tears today. I felt great when I woke up and the sun was shining. But the pain has rolled in with the clouds. Grief and tears began to linger just under the surface. And one of the things I have learned from this journey is that if I don't let the tears fall, if I don't feel what I need to feel, then the pain will hang around all day. And they day will be shot. So here I am writing, getting it all out. Letting the tears fall.
I can't believe it's been three years since we went through all this. The flashbacks are serious this year. Lying in the hospital, watching the clock, praying to make it to 48 hours. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I remembered how Willy brought me the three HUGE containers of different types of M&M's. Us hanging out there, nervously joking around, not knowing what was just around the corner.
Tonight marks three years since we learned Lucas' heart quit beating. The horrible pain that came at that moment, and then the knowledge that I had to keep it held together to give Caleb a fighting chance. I'll never forget those quiet moments when the nurses, then Dr M searched and searched for some sign of a heartbeat. And then when she looked at me with the sad look, and I knew.
There are a lot of reason why the pain is so raw and intense this year. It has really caught me by surprise. Thanks to my friends and family who have shared their love and prayers this month, and over the past three years as we've walked through all this. You all mean more to me that you can ever know. Sorry for the tear jerker first thing in the morning, but my tears have fallen this morning. I hope the sun comes out and grief lets me be for today.
Love you baby boys! Off to make some breakfast.