From Monkeys to Dragonflies and Beyond: 05*21*13

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

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There is just over two weeks left until Lucas and Caleb's birthday and anniversaries. I feel the weight of the upcoming dates daily. I had an incredibly hard week last week. I cried everyday five days in a row. I haven't had that since I was three months out, and I am now three years out. A HUGE trigger was hit on an already bad day. My heart was ripped open, the healing scars that were already being tugged from Mother's Day were torn to shreds. The pain was that raw.

It's cloudy out today. Storms have been rolling through since Sunday evening. Yesterday a devastating tornado hit two elementary schools in Oklahoma, along with hundreds of homes and a hospital. But the schools, oh my. The pain I imagine those parents felt knowing their children were in those schools, and not knowing if their children would be walking out of the rubble that was left. It hurts my already fragile heart. I've tried to stay away from the media outpour, as I know watching it all will do nothing to help them.

This year Memorial Day falls a week before Lucas and Caleb's birthday. In 2010, Lucas passed away on Memorial Day, my water broke the Saturday of the holiday weekend. (As I typed this, the memory of Dr M shaking her head, saying "I'm sorry." came rushing back) We have this amazing family weekend planned this for this weekend. And I don't know what to expect emotionally. I know the past two years, the holiday weekend has been tough also. It's almost like the anniversaries hit twice.

I was talking with a close friend, Kathleen, last week. She has the theory that part of the reason for the depth of the pain this year is that we have Simon now. Up until now, the hole Lucas and Caleb left was borderless. It was a hole after Colton and Ethan in our family. Now that Simon is here, there are actual definition to said hole. He acts as the second "bookend". I've put a lot of thought to this, and feel she is so very right. Thank you, Kathleen for your amazing words.

Outside of all this heavy grief, we are doing okay. Colton has started summer vacation and Ethan's summer begins Wednesday at 1:00. The weather up until recently has been wonderful! We have really enjoyed some fun family time together. I am so grateful I can stay home with my boys and take them to the park, play outside, and enjoy them every day.

To wrap this up, here are some pictures. I guess next week I'll post an eight month post for Simon along with pictures from months 6-8 in his onesie and sticker. It'll be fun to see how much he has changed all in one post.