The number of months since Lucas and Caleb were born. 1 month shy of 3 years. And this number seems incredibly HUGE right now. It has been 35 months since I held them in my arms.
I had a really hard day yesterday. Willy and I have decided to donate their snap n go stroller and infant seats with bases to one of the fostering agencies here in Springfield. It feels right, it really does. I called yesterday morning to find out the details for dropping them off and made it through the call fine. But when I hung up, the tears stormed down my face. My heart felt like it ripped open again and that I was losing those baby boys all over again. And the tears fell throughout the day. Anytime I thought about Lucas and Caleb, the tears took over. It was different this time, though. I felt great in between those moments. I didn't have this dark cloud constantly hanging over me, it just appeared for a time then left, as did the intense pain.
Willy has said that he'll drop them off. I know there is no way I will be able to. I try to picture myself being there and the image isn't pretty. More like me having a steel grip on the handle of the stroller while crying out, them trying to understand what is wrong with me. Yeah, not such a great idea. And I pretty sure, that is how it would happen. Think I'll just stay home for that one. And if Willy doesn't want to do it, I know there are many friends who will make the drop for us.
We don't want to wait any longer to do this. I think time has done what it can in this area. And it would be pointless if the car seats expire. I hope that these emotions tied to these items are so weighted due to the emotionally charged season.
Today is a rough one also. It has been months, maybe over a year, since I have had a group of rough days. I woke up this morning and knew I was in for a ride today. I really hoped last night that today would be great, and knew that with the rainy weather coming in, that I needed a good day to buffer the rest of the week.
But I miss them. I hurt so much for them right now. And I'm missing them for Simon all of a sudden. Simon LOVES Colton and Ethan so much. His face lights up when they are in the room. And they get laughs out of him that are only for them. He holds my locket often. Up until now it has made my heart swell with love, but recently it brings a little bit of pain.
I know this is another season I have to walk through. It is incredible how one can be busy and almost forget the degree of the pain that comes with losing a child. I am still learning how to grieve for them. Each year, each birthday is different. And I can honestly say this year is a whole lot tougher than last.
35 months have passed. I miss you baby boys.