Monday, April 22, 2013

Grace to Grieve

I really should be folding laundry right now while Simon is sleeping and the older boys are enjoying their tv time, but this post has been building for a few days.  I really feel I need to share and get it all out.  I don't have much time to write anymore.  I hope with school winding down that will change,  but we will see.

Spring is in full bloom here.  With the green leaves and beautiful flowers comes the clouds and rain.  End of the year activities are going on, Colton's birthday has passed, and I am reminded of them.  This time of year has been different every year since Lucas and Caleb were born.  That first spring was dark and full of tears as I prepared for what I wanted their first birthday to be.  Last year I grieved for them as I hoped and prayed for Simon. This year, Simon is in my arms, they are in my heart.

The darkness is building though.  And if anything, I am grieving more this spring than I did last.  At times, maybe even more than that first spring.  I miss them so much.  There are times when I feel the grief crawling in, and I just shove it back. I keep telling myself it's not time for that.  I feel there's a delicate balance between embracing Simon and mourning them.  At times I feel like I am parenting them, their memory, as I parent Simon.  There is so much guilt with all the emotion.

Then I was reminded last week that I need to give myself grace.  It's okay to grieve them as much as I have been, and that it makes me no less in love with my living children.  Thank you, Kathleen, for that.  I can embrace the grief as it finds its way in for a few months.  I've been an emotional wreck for a couple of weeks now, and have been not allowing myself to really feel the pain that comes with this time of year. 

It amazes me that almost THREE years out, I am still learning the ropes of babyloss.  I still go through periods with the memory of the intense pain so buried, then suddenly the grief is there, in all it's rawness.  I cried last so hard for them last night.  The most I have in three or four months.  But,  oh how I miss them. 

So here I am, giving myself the grace to grieve them openly.  And I hope as many of my babyloss friends are also approaching heavenly birthdays, that they also give themselves the same grace. 

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